Kill jokes

Life is a try not to kill yourself challenge.

I will pay someone to kill me.

If a homeschooled kid kills his parents, is it considered a school shooting?

What is a cup called when they show a ton of emotions?

Answer: Expresso! (KILL MEH)

My initials are K.M.C.

Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".

Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.

I’m writing an autobiography.

I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self-control.

There were 15 ugly guys on a bus. The bus crashed, and they all went to heaven.

God took pity on them and told the ugly dudes they could have one wish. The first guy said, "I want to be handsome." God granted his wish. The second guy said, "I want to be more handsome than the first guy." God granted his wish. The third guy said, "I want to be more handsome than the second guy." God granted his wish, and this continued on and on until the 15th ugly guy. The ugly guy was laughing, really hard. "What is your wish?" God asked him. "I WANT ALL THESE GUYS UGLY AGAIN!!!!!" God granted his wish.

This is a joke to tell to someone with you or something. SOMEONE will laugh. Say: "This word isn't gonna be funny until I tell you, your probably not going to laugh." *your friend* "what's the word?" *you* "finger" *friend* *dies of laughter*. *note* it works better if you wiggle your finger or something before and not everyone laughs, so don't feel bad if they don't. Also, don't be surprised if you get put in jail for murder, because you're going to kill someone with this.

How to get quick cash:

Step 1: Kill a child's parents.

Step 2: Do foster care for them.

Step 3: Get paid for doing foster care.

What's the most common thing between Hitler and an emo?

Hitler knows when to kill himself!

My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week.

She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.

Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.

The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.

The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"

My girlfriend's a porn star.

She'd kill me if she found out.

Why did Hitler kill himself?

He didn’t want to pay the gas bill.

1 minute silence for those who still think thoughts can't kill you.

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!

When the school shooter gets killed and everyone is cheering, but you walk toward his gun; "I will finish what you started."

My true hero is the person who killed Hitler.

I was reading the news and read that a kid killed his family, and when they interviewed him, he said he wanted to become Batman.

What did Bonnie say to Chica?

"Go kill yourself, dumbass bitch."