Kill jokes

Life is a try not to kill yourself challenge.

My doctor said I only have 1 year to live, so I killed him. Got sentenced to life in prison, problem solved!

I will pay someone to kill me.

If a homeschooled kid kills his parents, is it considered a school shooting?

People say killing two birds with one stone is a good thing, but when I did it, people just looked horrified.

What is a cup called when they show a ton of emotions?

Answer: Expresso! (KILL MEH)

My initials are K.M.C.

Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".

Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.

I’m writing an autobiography.

How to get quick cash:

Step 1: Kill a child's parents.

Step 2: Do foster care for them.

Step 3: Get paid for doing foster care.

I stopped a terrorist from killing 100 people on a plane using self-control.

There were 15 ugly guys on a bus. The bus crashed, and they all went to heaven.

God took pity on them and told the ugly dudes they could have one wish. The first guy said, "I want to be handsome." God granted his wish. The second guy said, "I want to be more handsome than the first guy." God granted his wish. The third guy said, "I want to be more handsome than the second guy." God granted his wish, and this continued on and on until the 15th ugly guy. The ugly guy was laughing, really hard. "What is your wish?" God asked him. "I WANT ALL THESE GUYS UGLY AGAIN!!!!!" God granted his wish.

This is a joke to tell to someone with you or something. SOMEONE will laugh. Say: "This word isn't gonna be funny until I tell you, your probably not going to laugh." *your friend* "what's the word?" *you* "finger" *friend* *dies of laughter*. *note* it works better if you wiggle your finger or something before and not everyone laughs, so don't feel bad if they don't. Also, don't be surprised if you get put in jail for murder, because you're going to kill someone with this.

What's the most common thing between Hitler and an emo?

Hitler knows when to kill himself!

My girlfriend's a porn star.

She'd kill me if she found out.

My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week.

She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.

Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."

Why did Hitler kill himself?

He didn’t want to pay the gas bill.

Me: brags about my 30 kill streak.

The jury: O.o

1 minute silence for those who still think thoughts can't kill you.

These murder jokes are just KILLING me!

My true hero is the person who killed Hitler.