A man dies and goes to Heaven. He sees a bunch of clocks and asks Jesus what they are for. He replied they are gauges, and that they move when people lie. He said that Mother Teresa's has moved twice, Abraham Lincoln's once, and George Washington's never.
The man asks to see the current president's, and Jesus just laughs and says that Joe Biden's is the one keeping the hurricanes to speed.
Jesus and his friend went fishing. They both cast their lines out, and both of them get a bite, but Jesus's friend misses and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's a bad sentence to say; if you say it 3 times, something bad will happen to you." They cast it out again, and both get a bite, and Jesus's friend misses again and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus replied, "If you say that one more time, something bad will happen." They cast out again, and Jesus's friend's line snaps, and he says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's the last time something bad will happen." The biggest thunderstorm ever seen appeared, and a lightning bolt struck Jesus, and a voice came from the clouds, "Damn, I missed."
Why don't lesbians like dick? Because they don't want their mouths looking like Jesus Christ's hands.
Last night I was watching a Scotland Christmas movie...
And the part when Mary tells Joseph that she is pregnant, Joseph was surprised, and he exclaimed, "Jesus Christ!!!" I immediately stopped watching and changed the channel.
Now you should let your imagination work... imagine naked Jesus with an erection... and nail holes in his hands...
Why can Jesus walk on water?
Because rubbish floats.
Boy: *scares girl*
Girl: "Gosh, you scared me, Jesus!"
Jesus: *Arrives out of nowhere and said, "What is it, human? I got work to do."*
Girl: What work?
Jesus: "Coming out of nowhere when people say 'Jesus.'"
What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
What’s the difference between Jesus and Maddie McCann?
One had the last supper.
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead, I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Which company likes Jesus the most?
IHS Markit!
"F***, Jesus ate his stinky ass."
Who gave Jesus his birthday presents every year?
Santa Claus!
What is the difference between the assassination of César and the assassination of Jesus?
They were both killed by Romans.
What was Jesus scared of the most?
Snails.
What was Jesus's favorite food?
Answer: Snails
Did Jesus cut his nails?
No! His nails cut through him.
How did Jesus kill himself?
He fell from his bike.
How many times did he die?
Once on a bike and once when he fell from a cloud in Heaven.
Jesus is a rock music fan.
Because he likes Nine Inch Nails.
My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.
