Jesus jokes
When I was little, I would pray to Jesus every night for him to get me a new bike. I learned one week in Sunday school that that's not how it works, so instead I just stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Of course Jesus wasn't a virgin! He obviously liked being nailed!
Jesus walks into a motel, throws 3 nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for a night?"
you.
What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
A painting only takes one nail to be hanged.
Why does Jesus never vacation on Earth?
Because he traveled down about 2,000 years ago, got with some Jewish chick, and they're still talking about it!
I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth-theist.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."
How do you get a nun pregnant? -- Dress her up as an alter boy.
Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
Because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.
What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? -- Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common? - Their balls are just for decoration.
What is Jesus' favorite band?
Nine Inch Nails.
What is Jesus' favorite gun?
A nail gun.
Jesus seemed like he was probably a good guy; healed the sick, fed the hungry, and gave good advice.
Jesus had only one flaw: he was always hanging around.
Why doesn't Jesus buy beer?
Hebrews.
How did Jesus like his chicken?
Crucifried.
What was the last thought Jesus had before he died?
"Man, I could really use a crowbar right about now."
Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?
Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.