INS jokes
I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"
He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"
A man is dating three women and has to choose which one he'll marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first woman does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits to look sexy for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second woman goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third woman invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money... Then he married the one with the biggest breasts.
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks Marty.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”
“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”
“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”
“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”
What do Jesus and a painting have in common?
They hang by nails.
You learn something new every day.
Like the people in 9/11 are the world's fastest readers; they went through 100s in under a second.
Yo mama's so stupid, when they said, "Order in the court," she asked for burgers and fries.
When I dunk my cookies in milk, I think of you. I hold them down until the bubbles stop.
Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"
Why do deer stay in front of a moving car?
To commit suicide.
Why did Daveon go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling "Daveon" in the dumps.
This is my fidget spinner, I got it in my Easter basket.
So I was in the lunch room and was sitting by the peanut allergic kids' table. I stood up and I threw an opened bag of peanuts at them and yelled, "25 kill streak!" 🤣😂
What do you call a person in a wheelchair that lives in Africa?
Dry Vegetable.
How come you never see a gay person in a wheelchair?
It’s hard to be a fruit, when you’re already a vegetable.
Q: What do you call a baby in a vegetative state?
A: A tater tot.
Why didn’t Harry Potter use the chamber to teach Dumbledore’s army?
Because at one point poisonous gases were put in it.
What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
Put them in a barking lot!
What does a Rubik's cube and a man's penis have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
Yo, so poor that you wash your paper plates and cutlery in a kids' dishwasher.
Bin Laden's relatives died in a plane crash on 8/1! #justice