INS jokes
What can read 105 stories in ten seconds?
New Yorkers.
A friend warned me that if I voted for Goldwater in 1964, we'd end up bombing North Viet Nam.
Well, I voted for him anyway, and sure enough, we ended up bombing North Viet Nam.
What kind of containers does the Pope keep his vegetables in?
Vat-I-cans!
Why was the emo kicked out of the Carnival? Because he was cutting in line.
How do you stop a baby from crying?
Throw a brick in its mouth.
But her ass was lookin' good all up in those mom jeans!
What did the lady say to Michael Jackson on the beach?
"Excuse me sir, but you're in my sun."
A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him, "Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it.
The genie says, "This is your last wish so really make this one count." The guy says, "Well, I've always wanted to drive out to the Hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands." The Genie says, "That is asking for quite a lot and I'm not sure if I can pull that off, is there anything else you'd want?" The guy says, "Well, I've been married and divorced three times, and I just can't understand what I've been doing wrong. I've given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could, but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women." The genie thinks for a few moments and says, "Do you want a three or four lane highway?"
If you get pinched by a man in a wheelchair, can you call it a "hit and can't run?"
Say Fentanyl 3 times in the mirror and you'll see Derek Chauvin kneeling on George Floyd's neck.
What is the name of the political party in the United States that was founded in 1971 and has lost a presidential election since 1972, and is more politically corrupted than the man boy love association of America because it is politically motivated?
Libertarian Party.
Suicidal ideation is like wanting to slaughter someone but knowing/feeling that you can't. It's also, in a way, kind of like seeing a really hot chick that you wish you could F, but you again for whatever reason you either feel you can't or you just can't.
Did you know the F in Orphan stands for family?
As an actor going to film a new TV show in another country, when TSA asks, "What’s the purpose of your visit?"... "I’m going to shoot a pilot" is never a good answer.
How Chinese is COVID? About the same as those red MAGA hats made in China.
What do orphans and dinosaurs have in common?
Their parents are extinct.
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One screams when you put it in a blender, and the other one is a cooperative little fruit.
I hate when people leave their cars running, especially in the summer.
I'm like, "You got Tracy Latimer in there or something?"
What's small, brown and crispy?
A baby in an oven.
If you enter the bathroom as an American and leave the bathroom as an American, what are you in the bathroom?
A European.