INS jokes

"And then I said, \"Knife to meet you.\""

"You stabbed my brother!"

"It's okay, I'm in stable condition!"

One day, there were two muffins in an oven. One of the muffins said, "Man, it's hot in here." The other one said, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"

Freddie Mercury was on top of the music world. That's only the 2nd thing he was a top in.

A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.

The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

What does Jeffrey Dahmer and Travis Scott have in common?

Eight dead people.

What do you call a camel stranded in the desert of Arabia?

A Shawarmano Cameldo!

What do you call a Portuguese who commits a crime in Las Vegas?

Consensual Rapper 7.

Which is Ronaldo's favorite son, Matteo or Cristiano Junior?

Neither. His favorite is San Marino, perfect for stat-padding with tap-ins and penalties!

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

What do LGBTQ folk and folk with scoliosis have in common?

None of them are straight.

Why do vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don’t like where real meat comes from.

We stopped by the reception desk, but the receptionist informed us, "I am wan kin the manager." So we just left in disgust!

There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.

My girlfriend went to the doctor for a broken arm, and they told her it should be better in about two months. I asked her what they said. She said, "It should be better in about two months." I then asked her, "What did the dentist say?"

I feel bad for the guy in 9/11 who ordered a salami pizza. Instead, he just got a plane.

Why do dolphins live in salt water?

Because pepper water would make them sneeze!

What do planes and offices have in common?

They both tend to cross paths at the wake of disaster.

What's the difference between a Corvette and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Corvette in my garage.

How do you get a slag from Dundee pregnant?

Spunk in the gutter and let the flies do the work...