INS jokes

A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."

Stephen Hawking was in a house fire. When he got out, people called him "Hot Wheels."

Satan: "Why are you in hell?"

Me: "I threw itching powder on somebody with no arms."

My wife left me yesterday.

I haven't talked to the kids in a year.

Dad: Boy, come sit in this hole while I brace the ground.

Boy: I don't want to see Grandpa, he scares me!

You would think catholic churches would be in favor of condoms: less DNA evidence.

In the Bible, it says Jesus died for our sins, but he came back to life, so what did he sacrifice?

Was it a weekend to wash away our sins?

What do you call a batter in a hot air balloon?

Why can't people in Africa have medicine?

Because you cannot have pills on an empty stomach.

A man marries a blonde chick, lives a happy life together, and the man asks his wife if she wants kids. She says "yes".

So, a couple of years go by, and they have one boy and one girl. They go to school, go home with their report cards, and the dad asks what their grades were. The son says he's not doing well, same with the daughter. They ask why they're doing so bad in school, and the dad replies with "ask your mother that question!"

Your mum is like a Golden Knight. She will still attack my tower with troops in the way, like Jude Porter.

Why was the German in a hurry?

Because he was Rush-ian to get to work.

What do iPhones and the Titanic have in common?

There's no Jack!

What goes boo in a car with no lips?

You know you're high when you hold all your pineapples hostage and yell, "SpongeBob, I know you're in there!"

Why doesn’t Joe Biden visit children with cancer in hospitals?

Because he can’t sniff their hair.

The F in orphans stands for family...

Roses are red, violets are blue, don't look in my backyard, or I will come for you.

A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."