INS jokes
Why do elephants paint their toes red, blue, green, orange, brown, and yellow?
So they can hide in a bag of M&Ms.
What am I gonna do on the 5th anniversary of the Parkland shooting?
Shoot a load in you just like I shot those kids ;)
How many line cooks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to do it, and two to say that they did it better at the previous restaurant they were at.
What do apples and emos have in common?
They both hang from trees.
My mom's name is Angel, and she is nothing like one!
Especially in bed...
this is especially fun with human body's
A Mexican opens a pharmacy in CA. What’s he selling?
Drugs.
I got banned from the library because I put the woman's rights book in the fiction section.
What do Spider-Man and suicidal people have in common?
They both hang.
When your girl is sucking your dick and chokes on it, not because it’s big but because you haven’t washed it in weeks.
How many children does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Not 27, because my basement is still dark.
What do orphans have in common with stray dogs?
Nothing, they are both orphans.
I hate salmonella.
It is such a pain in the butt.
A boy is working on his English homework and asks his father for some help. "Dad, what's the difference between 'potential' and 'reality'?"
His dad replies, "I'll tell you what. Go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks. Then go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks. Once you have their answers, you'll know the difference."
So the boy goes to his mother and poses the question: "Would she sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks?"
She answers, "Don't tell your Dad, but yes, I certainly would!"
The boy then goes to his sister and asks her his next question: "Would she sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?"
"Oh definitely!" she answers, without a moment's thought.
The boy goes back to his father, an expression of understanding on his face.
"You're right, Dad, I know the difference now. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."
What goes in dry and comes out wet?
A dick.
What do you call a group of rappers waiting in line?
A rhyme queue.
When I found out that 10 billion bowls of soup are consumed each year in AMERICA, I thought to myself, "I thought soup was healthy. Apparently not!"
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
Why did Stephen Hawking get sacked from his job?
Because he was always rolling in late.
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash its crack and sell it again.
How do Germans tie their shoes? Answer: In Nazis!