Im jokes

An officer confronts two congressmen.

He informs them, \"I’m looking for a couple of child molesters.\"

The two look at each other, turn to the officer and exclaim, \"Sure! We’ll do it!\"

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

I’m not calling you a slut, I’m calling you a penny.

Two-faced, worthless, and in everyone’s pants!

Me yelling every gay slur to get suspended.

I’m in catholic school.

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad.

I’m a faux pa.

Riddler: Riddle me this, are you scared of the big black?

Person: Big black what?

Riddler: ...

Person: I'm scared of what you mean because you won't tell me what you mean.

I’m going to open my own Mexican restaurant and call it boarder patrol.

Me to friend: I'm homeschooled.

Friend: If I was homeschooled, I'd kms.

Me: Oh, I already tried that.

I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.

It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!

Are you a haunted house? Because I’m going to scream when I’m in you! 😫

Cop: "I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia."

Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"

I just stepped on a corn flake. I'm officially a cereal killer.

They say I’m sliced like the apples in a kids meal.

Doctor: I’m sorry, I can’t see you today.

Orphan: Oh, how about tomorrow?

Doctor: No, I can’t ever see you.

Orphan: Why?

Doctor: Because I’m a family physician.

"Honey, let's not go so deep into the woods, please. I'm starting to get scared."

"It's easy for you to talk. I can go back alone right now!"

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.

Oh wait, I'm thinking of...

What does an electric-type Pokémon say when they get gassy while drinking milk?

I’m Zaptos intolerant!

I don't see why people these days choose their gender. There's only two, it's Nerf or nothing! (I'm just joking, I honestly don't care.)

I'm no astronomer, but I’m pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.

I wanted to do something nice for my uncle, so I cleaned out the nice vase that was given at grandma's funeral. It had so much sand, I'm glad to help.