Im jokes

Please help me... I’m being held captive by Carl Wheezer.

I'm a bot, so coolllll!

I'm not sure how I'm going to get to Heaven.

God had not built a ramp yet... or an escalator.

I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.

My boyfriend is just like a sexy nerd and I still have to ask him things like that because I'm so distracted from him.

I got shot once. Now I'm holey.

Hello, everybody, it's me, Mariplier, and today I'm going to be balling at Freddy's!

I raped a girl and I liked it.

I hope my girlfriend won't mind it.

It felt so wrong, it felt so right.

Don't mean I'm in love tonight.

What do you call a black person scuba diving? A black diver (an armor set from DeepWoken). Did anyone laugh at that, or?? Augh, I guess I'm alone.

Father: I'm taking your toys to the orphanage.

Child: But why?

Doctor: I'm going to have to turn you away.

Orphan: But why?

Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away?

I'm sure you would run away if your name was kjdhfkuaysbgfbkuejgf.

If you are what you eat, then I’m black.

Guess what, everybody? I'm dumb in math. I'm dumb and stupid at math.

*text conversation boy: When you kiss someone, you burn 15 calories. Wanna burn calories together sometime?

girl: Are you saying I'm fat?

I'm a cheetah, I cheat, duh?

In the new Grinch, the Whos would say he stole Christmas, "Get him!" Then the Grinch said, "I'm an orphan!" That changes everything. The Whos said, "What would they do if Max was an orphan?"

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

I can't put it down.

Who comes when an orphan gets married? They are allowed back in family restaurants, but when I go in alone, I'm not allowed. I have some parents, for God's sake!

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”

I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!

Hi, I'm Michael Jackson, and my pronouns are hee/hee.