Yo mama

Alfonso's mom is so fat that she stepped on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh shit, that's my phone number!"

Blonde

How many brain cells does a pregnant blonde have?

Two, one for her and one for the baby.

Cop

The woman saw a cute lookin' cop. She had pulled up right next to him and said, "Hey, can I get your number?" He said, "Yeah, it's 911," and drove off.

Life

I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.

Memes

Chicken

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

A: To get to the gay (guys/girls) house.

(Wait awhile) then ask “knock knock?” Other person says “Who’s there?”

A: The chicken.

Depression

What do you call Amber Heard crying during the lawsuit?

A DEPPression.

(If you are a fan of either Johnny Depp or Amber Heard, you might get the joke).

Accident

I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.

Crime scene

What do you call an Australian visiting the UK on holiday?

Returning to the scene of the crime.

Brother

Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"

Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."

Mustache

Sir, I mustache you a question...

Ah, never mind, I'll just shave it for later.

Height

Me: I look up to you.

Friend: Wow, thanks!

Me: But in general cuz your so tall.

Mickey Mouse

Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...

...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."

To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"