Humor
Why is Jeffrey Epstein so bad at races?
Because he comes in a little behind.
Stephen Hawking tried comedy.
His first line ruined it. "You know what I can't stand? Let me rephrase that, you know what? I can't stand."
Stephen Hawking walks into a bar. Oh wait...
What's the difference between a piano, a pot of glue, and a tuna fish?
You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
What about the glue?
I knew you'd get stuck there.
Yo mama so ugly, when I put her next to a naked mole rat, it said "bluetooth connected."
What’s the name of the band in the gay bar?
A: Beers for Queers.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wipe his ass.
What did the traffic light say to the truck?
"Don't look, I'm about to change!"
I hope death is a girl. That way, it'll never come for me.
What is it called when an art teacher has a heart attack?
An art attack!
Why do women always have sex with the lights off?
Because they never like to see a man having a good time.
A conductor was conducting a song. At the end, he threw his conductor's stick and killed someone. He was put to the electric chair, but nothing happened. They asked why he didn't die, and he replied, "I'm a bad conductor."
Sans: I like eating ketchup, don't believe me? It's ASRIEL as it gets!
UT Sans to UT pap: You FORGHETTIE the spaghetti!!!
Ink sans: umm lust? That's INKAPPROPRIATE!
Fell sans: I hate these double standards...if you burn a body at a crematorium you're doing "a good job," do it at home and your "destroying evidence."
Error sans: Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Two nuts were walking down the street, and one was a-salted!
The joke about the giraffe’s neck is far too long to tell.
I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"
He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."
Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.
Don't make Iran jokes. My mom died by a rocket launcher. She was the best sharp shooter in the Iranian army.
Somebody stole my joke.
So I stole their spinal cord.
You have to have real balls to face prostate cancer.
Just not for long!
What's red and runs up your leg?
A homesick abortion.