Humor

A depressed kid wanted to give me a high five.

I just left him hanging.

I am a fruitcake. Why? Because I’m fruity and nutty. That’s the joke. Tada!

I was trying to tell some people here to stop, but then I found out that the S was covered in blood from me assaulting someone.

Why don't women parachute naked?

That annoying whistling sound on the way down.

I am trying to re-comment something that used to be on here, but is no longer on here.

Here are some rules to make a good joke:

1: Don't say “my life.”

2: Proofread your joke and make sure people can read it/have good grammar in it.

3: And don’t repost things (although this last one is hypocritical because this was me trying to repost something, but it is still a good rule to go by).

Welcome to Antonio’s pizza and abortion, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce!

What is red, bubbling, and scratching at a window?

A baby in the microwave.

How did Aby get away from Mr. Ryan in Iran? He ran!

What do you call a basement full of SJW's?

A whine cellar.

I told you ten puns to make you laugh, and I do not pun in-ten-did.

Alright, class, we have 39 students and 40 seats.

That one dyslexic kid thinking he’s Superman:

I asked the gym instructor,

"Can you teach me to do the splits?"

"How flexible are you?" he asked.

"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."

Two people are in a restaurant. Person #1 doesn’t order anything, and Person #2 orders a chili.

Person #1: “Aren’t you gonna eat your bowl of chili?”

Person #2: “No, you can have it.”

Person #1: “Ok, thanks...”

Person 1 starts eating his food only to find half of a dead rat! He vomits all of the food back into the bowl.

Person #2: “That’s about as far as I got too!”

A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.

Roses are red, Lemons are sour; Lift your skirt up and give me an hour.

What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a computer? Ctrl+Alt+Delete.

If you thought other people’s puns are bad, well, you should sea mine.

In India, 3 things are wide and far everywhere, but no one admits: racism, sexism, and Sunny's jism.

A young peasant coming from the field with his scythe on his shoulder notices an attractive young woman that was doing the laundry in a mountain stream, perched on some rocks near a waterfall.

The guy stops and leans against his scythe, fascinated by the young girl's beauty.

After minutes of watching her, she loses her balance, slips on a rock and falls all the way down, crushing her head on the white rocks.

Thoughtful, he puts his scythe back on his shoulder and walks away, saying to himself "Damn, another washing machine destroyed by limestone!"

The worst comedians take 9 months to make a joke. Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to forget it.