Humor

A poster for the winter relief fund reads: "No one should be allowed to go hungry or suffer from the cold." A worker says to his friend, "Now were not even allowed to do that."

What do you call Amber Heard crying during the lawsuit?

A DEPPression.

(If you are a fan of either Johnny Depp or Amber Heard, you might get the joke).

Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.

I parked in a disabled space today...

...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”

I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.

What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution.

Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...

...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."

To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

What kind of bees eat brains?

Zombees.

What is the difference between a priest and a doctor?

The doctor doesn't like to give physicals.

A priest walks into a wine store.

"Do you have any 10-year-olds?" Seller: "What the f- Oh, you meant 10-year-old wine." Priest: "I said what I said."

What's the difference between an onion and a hooker?

I cry when I chop up onions.

People joke about 9/11, but it's not funny. My dad died in 9/11. Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

When two wheelchairs hit each other, is it a fender bender?

It's not rape if they can't say no. Duct tape.

What do a coin and an Irish man have in common?

They're both fun to flip off.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied. "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

The way you talk is so slow that they put you in the movie Fast and Furious and changed the title to Slow and Serious!!!😂😂😭

Why did Helen Keller ride a broken roller coaster?

She didn't see anything wrong with it.

My cock was in the book of world records...

The librarian told me to take it out.

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance, they looked like hare.