Humor

Sir, I mustache you a question...

Ah, never mind, I'll just shave it for later.

Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.

What's the difference between intelligence and apathy?

I don't know! I don't care!

What do you call a cleaning skeleton?

The Grim Sweeper.

I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.

Q. What's an orphan's favorite South Park episode?

A. The anti-Family Guy episode.

I thought I saw Jojo Siwa... no wait, it's your hairline.

What do you call a kid with Down syndrome on the beach?

A baked potato.

Stephen Hawking once stood up to bow down to Chuck Norris.

Welcome to the roadkill cafe, where yesterday's crash is today's cash.

I told a crippled guy he is immortal because he can't kick the bucket.

Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"

Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."

Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person.

"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945.

Friend: "UR LIT BRO!!"

Me: "That's what my sleeve said to my arm."

It's not funny to joke about orphans. Without any education, they'd never understand what the jokes mean.

What school subject does an orphan love?

PE because they actually get picked.

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

Your hairline's so far back that Dora the Explorer couldn't find it.

9/11 jokes are the bomb.

Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."

Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"