Humor

Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.

Q: What is a lesbian's version of a cock block?

A: A beaver dam.

Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?

Expectation: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Here brother! I’ll give you my jacket, I don’t want you to be cold!"

Reality: "Brr, I’m cold!" "Well, damn bro, I can’t control the weather."

What makes an ISIS joke funny?

The execution.

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke? Timing.

Do you have a shovel? Because I'm digging that ass.

I don't understand why people get offended by incest jokes; they're so family friendly.

I parked in a disabled space today...

...and a traffic warden shouted to me, “Oi, what's your disability?” I said “Tourettes! Now fuck off!”

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

They both like cracking open a cold one.

Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...

...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."

To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"

Don't do suicide shit. Nearly killed me, tbh. 🙏🙏🙏🙏

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through something so small?"

I was driving and accidentally hit a crippled kid. They were still breathing, so I told them to walk it off.

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents' room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

What kind of bees eat brains?

Zombees.

What is the difference between a priest and a doctor?

The doctor doesn't like to give physicals.

It's not rape if they can't say no. Duct tape.

What's the difference between an onion and a hooker?

I cry when I chop up onions.

A priest walks into a wine store.

"Do you have any 10-year-olds?" Seller: "What the f- Oh, you meant 10-year-old wine." Priest: "I said what I said."