Humor

I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"

I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."

"Waiter, my steak is too skinny."

"It's a strip steak, sir."

"At these prices, it should not only strip, but sing and dance too!"

I lost a race with a handicapped person today. The problem was the race was all stairs.

Gravity sure is fast.

What did the woman do when the armed police officer raped her?

Freeze.

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

What’s red and cries?

A skinned baby in a bag of salt.

Do you know what the similarity between a penis and cucumber is?

They both have cum in it.

This is how my mom always threatens me: "I brought you into this world, I can bring you out of it too." That's why I only have 2 siblings left.

I wonder where the bodies are?

How do you get more presents from Santa? You tickle his sack.

What did the Asian parents say when they had a disabled kid?

Sum ting wong.

What is 6.9?

A beautiful thing ruined by a period.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.

What kind of bees eat brains?

Zombees.

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

A pair of gloves!

Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.

Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"

She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"

"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."

Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."

China has a population of a billion people. One billion.

That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

People are making end of the world jokes, like there's no tomorrow.

What noise does Stephen Hawking make when he dies? Windows shutting down theme tune.

Beer Bottle: “You break me, you get one year of bad luck!”

Mirror: “You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!”

Condom: “Hahaha...”

How do you recover from prostate cancer surgery? It’s all Depends!