Humor
I like my cigars like I like my women: 7 years old and in a burlap sack from Cuba.
Ok, not really racist but still funny.
What do you do when you get locked outside your house? You talk to the lock, because communication is key.
For sale: Dead canary.
Not going cheep.
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
What does a light bulb and a school shooter have in common?
They both light up the room.
A white dude walks up to a Muslim and says, "So you're an Indian?" and the Muslim says, "No brotha, I'm not 7-Eleven, I'm 9/11."
What did the Nazi order from Wendy's?
Two number NEINs.
These gags are killing me!
Why should you be wary of stairs? -- Because they are always up to something.
What do you get when you throw a baby into the wheat thresher? An erection.
Why did the bum get a slap?
Because it was being too cheeky.
What's the same about "Make a Wish Program" and "Dark Jokes"? They never get old.
(sorry in advance this joke is brutal)
What has 12 heads and 24 eyes?
The bin at the back of the abortion clinic.
What do you call it when an orphan takes a family photo? A selfie.
One day, in the Serengeti, a zebra started wondering if he was a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. So he goes around asking all the animals. He never gets his answer.
One fateful day, he dies and goes to Heaven. In Heaven, the zebra gets an idea. "I will go ask God!" So, he asks God, and God chuckles. "You are what you are!"
The zebra gets sad. He walks around and his dead zebra friend shows up. He asks, "What is wrong?" The zebra answers, "Well, I asked God if I was either a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. He just replied 'You are what you are!'"
His friend says, "Oh! You are a white horse with black stripes! Why? Because he would have said 'You is what you is!'"
What do you call a chair that smokes weed?
A high chair.
A high school student and his best friend were rushing to class after his best friend caused them both to be late. His best friend asked, "Would you like to hear a joke?" "Sure," he replied. "What do you and your sister have in common?" "I don't know." "Because of me you're both late for your next period."
Sonic can run around the world in a second.
In that same time, Chuck Norris can run around the Universe.
Hey, wanna hear an abortion joke? Never mind, I can't deliver it.
Everyone laughs when a bully teases someone, but no one laughs when that person commits suicide.