Humor

Donald Trump announced he will run for prez today. His hair will on Friday.

What's the difference between Jesus and the baby in my basement?

Jesus died a virgin.

Scrolled through all of them, still haven't laughed.

What's the hardest thing about walking through a field of dead children?

My penis.

What did the guy with two hands say to the guy with one hand?

"Hi-five!"

A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

What does Kobe and the Twin Towers have in common?

The pilots just couldn't stick the landing.

Wow, that was explosive!

Man, I'm on fire 🔥 today!

Why did the pedo stop to help the little kids cross the street?

To get them in his van.

Wife is texting husband:

"Honey, if I give you 300 dollars, will you stop being blind?"

Husband: "seilghsielguG"

Wife: "Seriously, David?"

Husband: "fuweyadb"

Why was the Chinese laundry joke not funny? It had no irony.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

because skeletons aren't alive and can't move, so it's impossible for him to cross the road.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan.

The lady was so fat that when she stepped on the scale, the scale responded with, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"

You don't need brains to be a Boss.

When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss since we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral Of The Story: You don't need a brain to be a Boss----any asshole will do.

What do you call a Russian rifle that went 1 rank down?

An AK-46.

Officer: Hi, how high are you?

Pothead: No officer, it's "how are you?"

Officer: Oh, I'm sorry, I've been high since last night.

Pothead: Cool, I'd like to give you some weed, happy 420, sir.

Officer: Omg, thanks man, appreciate that.

I'd tell you a 9/11 joke, but it'd fly over your head and into the Twin Towers.

Men.

I'ma tell these to my adopted sister.

Women: Can I have your number?

Jesus: No.

Women: Why? Are you scared?

Jesus: No. Just when you wanna talk, just pray.