Accent jokes
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"
I can't find out where Stephen Hawking is from, I just can't place his accent.
What did the doctor say to the Chinese patient? "Sum ting wong."
Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. They speak with an Italian accent.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
What did the short Chinese man say when he was called a dwarf? "Da fok yu sai tu meee."
What do you call a Russian prostitute? Slobadown Mycockyoubitch.
Q: What has two wings and a halo?
A: An Asian phone call, "Wing, Wing, Halo?"
What's Gru's favorite Beyoncé lyric? "Who run the world... Gorls."
American soldier: "Did you come here to die?"
Australian soldier: "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterdie."
Asians love it when a British person says "Rice!"
Asians love it when a British person says "Race!"
How do you say "Brazier" in German?
Stop 'em from floppin' (German accent)
"Sir, we noticed a 2-year gap in your resume."
"That was when I went to Yale."
"A Yale man? Well, you're hired!"
"Thanks! I really need this yob!"
A Scouser at ground zero just after the twin towers fell asks a passer-by, "What time is it, mate?"
An American replies, "That's a mad accent, where are you from?"
The Scouser says, "Liverpool."
The American says, "Oh, what state is that in?"
The Scouser looks around and says, "About the same state as this, mate, but what time is it?"
British emo people be like, "Oi, I'm upset."
How do you stun a Scotsman?
Ask them to say "purple burglar alarm".
What has two wings and an arrow?
A Chinese telephone. "Wing Wing Arrow!"
I was speaking to a deaf Asian man. I said, "Hi." He said, "Wha yiu sa?"
How does an Indian open his car?
"Boot, boot!" (in an Indian accent)
One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.
When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.
Serves him right.