Humor
What's the difference between an egg and a good wank?
You can beat an egg.
Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.
Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!
Dad: Boy, come sit in this hole while I brace the ground.
Boy: I don't want to see Grandpa, he scares me!
Quoting the great Jimmy Carr: "When I cook, I make sure there are vegetarian options. They can make do, or they can fuck off."
My jokes are pretty "bone-arifick," if I say so myself. Hehhehe... Get it?
What do you call Peg and Cat from Peg + Cat? Egg + splat.
Eggy joke for all to enjoy!
What do you call a nervous zucchini?
An edgy veggie.
A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.
I find it difficult to count to ten in French: un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept.
I can't say the next one because I have a "huit" allergy.
Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, "Parking Fine!"
Anyone got any new jokes? I ran through all the pages already.
My ex was so full of shit, she probably poured toilet cleaner in her nose to get relief.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
Because he was trying to catch a boomerang.
Who wants to laugh about life with me?
What is a monster's favorite place to swim?
Lake Erie!
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish?
A crab apple!
None of these jokes are close to funny! Btw, who the hell is Gwen?
"Gaining weight is gonna be a piece of cake."
Don't ever say your life is a joke because jokes are actually funny.
I would say a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't land well.