Humor

What do you call a nervous zucchini?

An edgy veggie.

In this modern age, I feel as though it's inappropriate to make jokes about herbs and fish.

It's not the thyme or the plaice for it.

A few days ago, I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama.

I find it difficult to count to ten in French: un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept.

I can't say the next one because I have a "huit" allergy.

Jokes are like food, not everyone has it.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I'm old enough to drive, for now I'm still alive, till I crash in that beehive!

I was at a concert in the front row, and I shouted something to the band's guitarist. He took it the wrong way and responded: "I'm going to go down there and hit you with my guitar!"

And I replied: "Is that a death fret?"

Doin (DYM 35).

Why did the dog cross the road twice?

Because he was trying to catch a boomerang.

Someone complimented me on my driving last week. They left a note saying, "Parking Fine!"

Who wants to laugh about life with me?

None of these jokes are close to funny! Btw, who the hell is Gwen?

I would say a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't land well.

"Gaining weight is gonna be a piece of cake."

What is a monster's favorite place to swim?

Lake Erie!

What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish?

A crab apple!

Why does new pavement smell like butt?

In other words you can also call it asphalt.

Ass-phalt.

A girl with no arms and one leg goes to her mother and asks: "Mom, next year for the carnival, can I dress up as a princess?"

The mother replies: "Why? Didn't you like the ice lolly dress from last year?"

Don't ever say your life is a joke because jokes are actually funny.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two!