Humor

Attended my boss's funeral to pay my respects. On my way out, I leaned over his casket and whispered lightly, "Well, look who's thinking outside the box now."

It's always the little things that make us laugh.

What did the Japanese man say to his friend after he killed somebody?

"That is very Wong."

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"

Pilot: So Kobe, it seems like you’re not going to make it to your destination in time, so I’m going to put it on autopilot so I can find a place to fill with gas.

Kobe: Take us to the side of that mountain at full speed. I don’t really want to go to the event anymore.

How do you know if you’ve walked into a sex addicts' counselling session?

The psychologist will thank you for coming.

The brain named itself, and when the brain realized that it named itself, it was surprised.

But maybe, it was a spelling mistake and the brain wanted the name Brian. We all have a little Brian in us!

I saw two really tall guys. I walked up and said, "I didn't know we still have the Twin Towers!"

What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?

A bowling ball doesn't cry when you put your fingers in it.

A Russian walked into a bar... Unlucky for him I guess, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

I hate it when you say your life is a joke because a joke actually has meaning.

What happens when you have dry elbows at work?

You don't have any elbow grease to put into it.

Son: Dad, where are you?

Dad: Getting another one.

Son: Getting what?

Dad: Dad.

Why do cemeteries have fences?

Because people are dying to be there.

Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?

Because they've already been roasted!

Notice on a shoe repair shop: I’ll heel you, I’ll save your sole, I’ll even gladly dye for you.

How do cats relieve themselves in front of people? By licking their puss.

What's the similarities between anonymous and a cow? I think you know...

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They gave her a cheese grater and told her it was a book.