Humor

A guy goes to Starbucks and asks, "Hey, if I can make you laugh, I don’t have to pay." The girl in the window says, "Okay." The guy says, "A little boy named Timmy lost his arms." The girl says, "Oh no!" The guy says, "And his dad left him when he was 4." The girl says, "Uhh yeah." The guy says, "Okay, I guess I’ll be paying then." The girl asks, "Okay, and what name will that be under?" The guy says, "Timmy, I’m Timmy."

I was going to tell you a cow joke...

But it's pasture bed time.

Dead baby jokes never get old...

My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.

A boy walks into class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks. The teacher says, "Where have you been?" The boy says, "On a peach hill."

Another boy walks in with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks. The teacher says, "Where have you been?" The boy says, "On a peach hill."

Then a girl walks in, and the teacher says, "And where on earth have you been?" The girl says, "Well, you see..." Then the teacher stops her and says, "Let me guess, on a peach hill?" The girl says, "No, on 2 big cucumbers."

How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?

"Please get out of the pool."

What's the difference between a penis and a gun?

A child doesn't cry when a gun goes off in its mouth.

So, there was a male whale and a female whale swimming through the ocean. One day the male whale sees a ship and says, "That's the ship that killed my parents!" So they go to the ship and blow the ship over and throw the men overboard into the sea.

The male whale sees the man who killed his parents and he was still alive, so he opened his mouth and went for the man, but out of nowhere the female whale yells, "Hey!! I was in it for the blowjob, but I'm not gonna eat seamen!"

What's the useless skin around the vagina? A woman.

An old professor’s class used to begin with a dirty joke.

Following one particularly vulgar joke, the girls in the class decided to walk out the next time he began.

When the professor learned of this planned protest, he came in the next morning and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear about the scarcity of whores in Newfoundland?”

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

“Wait, ladies,” called the professor, “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

What's red and sits in the corner?

A baby chewing on a razor blade.

What's green and sits in the corner?

Same baby, one week later.

What's the city with the fastest growing population?

Ireland, cuz it's Dublin everyday!

What did Spock encounter in the Enterprise toilet?

The Captain's Log.

Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets it.

I'm autistic, and I find these so funny.

Why was Stephen Hawking always bullied?

Because he couldn’t stand up for himself.

What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?

RC-XD

Bro, stop. You guys are saying the same jokes over and over. If you're gonna tell a 9/11 joke, just go laugh about the Great Thumps.

Girlfriend: You remind me of a cellphone.

Ex-Boyfriend: How and why?

Girlfriend: Because you're about to die!

What was Stephen Hawking's mother's name?

Ilean.