Humor

A priest is struck by lightning and lays hurt on the ground.

When medical crew arrives he denies them, saying, "God will surely save me!"

The medical team tries to help him, but he keeps struggling and eventually dies.

Later in the afterlife, he screams at God, saying, "Why didn't you save me? Am I not dear to you?"

God answered, "B****, I sent you a f***ing ambulance and you denied it!"

A guy goes to Starbucks and asks, "Hey, if I can make you laugh, I don’t have to pay." The girl in the window says, "Okay." The guy says, "A little boy named Timmy lost his arms." The girl says, "Oh no!" The guy says, "And his dad left him when he was 4." The girl says, "Uhh yeah." The guy says, "Okay, I guess I’ll be paying then." The girl asks, "Okay, and what name will that be under?" The guy says, "Timmy, I’m Timmy."

I was going to tell you a cow joke...

But it's pasture bed time.

Dead baby jokes never get old...

My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.

A boy walks into class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks. The teacher says, "Where have you been?" The boy says, "On a peach hill."

Another boy walks in with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks. The teacher says, "Where have you been?" The boy says, "On a peach hill."

Then a girl walks in, and the teacher says, "And where on earth have you been?" The girl says, "Well, you see..." Then the teacher stops her and says, "Let me guess, on a peach hill?" The girl says, "No, on 2 big cucumbers."

How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?

"Please get out of the pool."

What's the difference between cancer and a Nazi? Cancer doesn't discriminate.

What's the difference between a penis and a gun?

A child doesn't cry when a gun goes off in its mouth.

So, there was a male whale and a female whale swimming through the ocean. One day the male whale sees a ship and says, "That's the ship that killed my parents!" So they go to the ship and blow the ship over and throw the men overboard into the sea.

The male whale sees the man who killed his parents and he was still alive, so he opened his mouth and went for the man, but out of nowhere the female whale yells, "Hey!! I was in it for the blowjob, but I'm not gonna eat seamen!"

What's the useless skin around the vagina? A woman.

An old professor’s class used to begin with a dirty joke.

Following one particularly vulgar joke, the girls in the class decided to walk out the next time he began.

When the professor learned of this planned protest, he came in the next morning and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear about the scarcity of whores in Newfoundland?”

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

“Wait, ladies,” called the professor, “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

What's red and sits in the corner?

A baby chewing on a razor blade.

What's green and sits in the corner?

Same baby, one week later.

Girlfriend: You remind me of a cellphone.

Ex-Boyfriend: How and why?

Girlfriend: Because you're about to die!

You are so skinny that the only difference between you and a leaf is color.

What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?

RC-XD

I saw a kid crying today and asked them, "Where are your parents?"

God, I love working at an orphanage!

What did the flower say to the crazy peanut?

"Ur going nuts boii, get back on yo' plant. Ur too nuts for me."

What is the definition of a woman?

A life support system for a vagina.

What's the difference between my girlfriend and my sister?

There is no difference.