Humor
There once was a man from Peru who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night, with a terrible fright, to find out his dream had come true.
"Hi, Mrs. Jackson, can Matt come out and play?"
"Oh, Johnny, you know Matt doesn't have any arms or legs."
"I know, we just wanted to use him as third base."
A conductor was conducting a song. At the end, he threw his conductor's stick and killed someone. He was put to the electric chair, but nothing happened. They asked why he didn't die, and he replied, "I'm a bad conductor."
How many homeless guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
“You’re telling me there’s change in a lightbulb?”
People might not laugh at my jokes, or have a reaction at all, but I'd explode with euphoria.
Periodically, people might laugh every now and then.
Memes
How does an American know that his time has come?
He starts hearing Vietnamese.
What do you call a room full of disabled people with epilepsy?
A seizure salad.
Guy: Michael Jackson wasn’t in ancient times!
Me: hee hee egypt.
Dark jokes are like kids with cancer, They never get old.
I like my women how I like my cigarettes: Smokin’ hot, and with a little saliva on the butt.
What is a porn star's favourite potato crisp flavour...
Prawn cocktail.
A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"
Kyle's penis is small.
The other day I pushed a Chinese woman off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was Wong on so many levels.
"OK, son," he says. "It's as easy as counting to 5."
1. Pull down your pants. 2. Pull back your foreskin. 3. Pee in the toilet. 4. Put your foreskin back. 5. Pull up your pants.
From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father noticed his son was taking quite some time in the toilet. He went to check on him and overheard his son saying, "2,4,2,4,2,4,2,4."
One day, in the Serengeti, a zebra started wondering if he was a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. So he goes around asking all the animals. He never gets his answer.
One fateful day, he dies and goes to Heaven. In Heaven, the zebra gets an idea. "I will go ask God!" So, he asks God, and God chuckles. "You are what you are!"
The zebra gets sad. He walks around and his dead zebra friend shows up. He asks, "What is wrong?" The zebra answers, "Well, I asked God if I was either a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. He just replied 'You are what you are!'"
His friend says, "Oh! You are a white horse with black stripes! Why? Because he would have said 'You is what you is!'"
Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
Just too bitter.
A friend was doing bird puns on me. Then I realized that toucan play at that game.
Why is Stephen Hawking in hell?
He couldn't get his wheelchair up the stairway to heaven.
What's the difference between cancer and a Nazi? Cancer doesn't discriminate.