Humor

Yo mama is so fat, she takes her selfies in panoramic mode.

I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said, “Did you just shoot me with a Nazi round?” and I replied, “Do you mean Nein millimeter?”

What did the Twin Towers say to each other?

Sorry if that offended anyone.

“I guess we are going down together!”

I got kicked out of a hospital once. I told all the COVID patients to stay positive.

Did you hear about the flood at the circus? Lots of people drowned, and there were two clowns that survived and two nuns still in the audience.

The two clowns ran over to the two nuns, and each one put a nun on his shoulder. Then they waded out of the big top, up to their waists in the rapid, turbulent water. As they were reaching dry land, one clown said to the other, "If you ask me, this is virgin on the ridiculous!"

So this blind man was walking down the street with his stick, right? And he walked past this fish market, he took a deep breath and said, "WWOAAH GOODMORNING LADIES!"

So you know there's like dog mixes, right? Like a Snoodle and that stuff, right? So why can't a bulldog and a shih tzu be mixed? 'Cause if they did, it would be called bullshit.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant. Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."

What did the pedestrian say after he saw the twin towers fell?

JENGA!!!!

Bad cows, bad cows, whatcha gonna moo?!

This is true. Today I was at the mall and there was a guy holding a sign that said, "Need money for strippers and weed."

I found a book called "How to Solve 50% of Your Problems." So I bought 2.

What do most 50-year-old men put inside their cars?

Children.

I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.

Why was the Koala Bear so clever?

Because he had good koalifications!

What do you call a paralyzed turtle?

Shell shocked.

I’ve seen more life in a bowl of WEEK-OLD GUACAMOLE than in BLESSEDBRIAN’S jokes.

Why did Joey drop his ice cream?

He was hit by a truck. (Don't worry, the truck was fine.)

An old professor’s class used to begin with a dirty joke.

Following one particularly vulgar joke, the girls in the class decided to walk out the next time he began.

When the professor learned of this planned protest, he came in the next morning and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear about the scarcity of whores in Newfoundland?”

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

“Wait, ladies,” called the professor, “The boat doesn’t leave until tomorrow!”

My father left me at a young age.

He was only five.