Humor
What did the mother say to Michael J. on the beach?
"Excuse me sir, but you're in my son!"
What was the drug addict's favorite nursery rhyme?
I'm a little crack pot short and stout, put that crack pipe in my mouth, sell my body or sell my couch, get that lighter and smoke me out!
I’d tell you a Chinese joke, but it’s wong.
If two eagles make a baby and two sparrows make a baby, what makes no baby?
Two swallows.
Yo mama so slow, she took nine months to make the joke. Thank god mine only took 6.
Memes
Why didn't the skeleton go to prom?
He was dead. You fool. You fell for my trick. I'm very heartless.
Oh wait.
You fool!
What's the hardest thing to do?
Not kill your siblings. (Put the knives away ">:)")
What did the traffic light say to the truck?
"Don't look, I'm about to change!"
What's stiff and 6 inches long?
SIDS.
Wanna hear a poop joke?
Nah, they always stink.
What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?
I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.
I saw a piece of cheese and it told me a joke, but the joke was too cheesy.
Why does Stephen Hawking only do one-liners?
Because he can’t do stand up.
I was going to tell a 9/11 joke, but it was really plane.
What did one alligator say to the other alligator?
"Let’s go for an all-in-one buffet!"
Sans: Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Papyrus: Because he looked like me.
Sans: Sure.
There once was a man from Peru who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night, with a terrible fright, to find out his dream had come true.
"Hi, Mrs. Jackson, can Matt come out and play?"
"Oh, Johnny, you know Matt doesn't have any arms or legs."
"I know, we just wanted to use him as third base."
A conductor was conducting a song. At the end, he threw his conductor's stick and killed someone. He was put to the electric chair, but nothing happened. They asked why he didn't die, and he replied, "I'm a bad conductor."
How many homeless guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
“You’re telling me there’s change in a lightbulb?”