Humor

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

How does Jesus whistle? Through the hole in his hand.

Sans: “pokes brother with ruler”

Papyrus: Sans, what are you doing?

Sans: Measuring your patience.

Papyrus: Grunts

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotofpuss.

These aren't funny.

What is the difference between a kid with cancer and dark humor?

Dark humor never dies!

I asked Michael Jackson when did he lose his virginity. He just replied with "HEHE!"

What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a computer? Ctrl+Alt+Delete.

What do you call a black person in a swimming pool?

Coco Pops.

A man who drinks a lot is told by his wife that if he ever gets drunk again she will leave him.

Later, the man goes to a pub and drinks a lot and throws up all down his jacket. 'Oh no,' he says to his friend, 'if I go home like this again, my wife will leave me.' 'Don't worry,' his friend says. 'Put a £20 note in your jacket pocket. When your wife challenges you, produce the money and say another man threw up on you and gave you the £20 note for the dry cleaning.' 'Brilliant!' the man says and goes home. He walks through his front door and his wife sees him. She is furious. 'No no,' the man says, producing the money from his inside pocket. 'A man threw up on me and gave me £20 for the dry cleaning.' 'What's the other £20 note for?' asks his wife. 'Ah, that's from the man who shat in my pants.....'

When your friend does a finger-gun and his dad appears behind him and does it too, with the real deal!

A man goes to a restaurant and asks for some chili.

The waiter said, "Sorry sir, this is an Asian restaurant."

So he stretches his eyes and says, "Oh herro, can I get some chiri?"

What did the kid with Down syndrome say to his friend?

Nothing, he had no friends.

Adam and Eve are going through the garden when Adam suddenly says, "What race are we?"

Eve responds with, "Ask God, he will tell you." So Adam goes over to a hill and asks, "God, what race are we?"

God says, "You are what you are."

Adam goes back to Eve and says, "We are white." Eve asks how he knew that. Adam responds with, "If we were black, he would have said 'you is what you is'."

I’d make a rape joke, but I don't wanna force that on you too.

Why is the bald eagle bald?

Because it has no hair.

It has feathers. LOL.

A suicidal customer walks into a gun store.

Cashier: Is this your final purchase?

Customer: Actually, yes it is!

I thought about making a necrophilia joke, but I knew it would be a DOA.

What is a paedo's favourite time of year?

Halloween because they get free delivery.

What is the speed limit for sex? 68, because if you go any faster, you’ll have to turn around.