Humor

If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?

Big hands.

I see, you guys jokers are SANS-ational!

A fat girl was dancing on the table, and I said, "Nice legs." She says, "You really think so?" And I say, "Yes, definitely, most tables would have been broken by now."

What do you call a decapitated politician?

A severed head of state.

Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."

Boy: "I know. Maybe if you were a little quieter, I could."

What do you call the worst joke ever?

Well, according to my mom, I am.

A woman just went through labor. She asked the doctor, "Was it a healthy delivery?" The doctor replies, "It wasn't delivery, it's DiGiorno."

How did I get to Iraq? I ran.

The last joke about the dad was a joke. Don't take it seriously. Can't believe that people actually think that was true.

What do you call frozen Ibuprofen?

A chill pill.

I was going to make a pun about math, but my answers never add up.

Why couldn’t 3 ask 4 on a date?

Because he was 2 squared.

Did you know that a lot of graves are put in churchyards?

Yeah, they're pretty holey.

Why did piglet go to the bathroom?

To search for Poo.

(Best pick-up line ever). Your body is like 9/11. I wanna crash into your twin towers. 😏

I’ll make a joke about homeless people, but they just don’t work.

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

Today I got a lecture from my mother, and congratulated her. Why?

Because she managed not to damage me in a physical fashion.

What do you call an Asian telephone?

Ling Ling.