Humor

I farted in my grandma's breathing machine.

I was sitting at a bench at the park and saw a lady. She asked which kid was mine, and I responded, "I haven't decided yet."

I told a joke and someone said, "no one asked." Then I said, "no one would care to even ask."

What did the Chinese girl say when she had a baby?

"Sum ting wong."

Somebody told me to cheer up so.... I told him to pass me a rope :)

When you're depressed about the world :( but you remember you will soon die :)

What do you call an Asian telephone?

Ling Ling.

I told my suicidal friends to stop posting suicidal memes. They said they will stop soon.

(Best pick-up line ever). Your body is like 9/11. I wanna crash into your twin towers. 😏

What did the titanic say as it was sinking?

I nominate all the passengers to the ice bucket challenge.

Do you wanna know how I recently seduced an obese woman? Actually, it was a piece of cake.

Satanism is such an ugly word. I prefer the term, "red skin appreciation."

Teacher: "I'll call your mother."

Orphan: "Go on, see if she picks up."

ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hey Donut.

Have you ever observed the depression cycle of a snail?

It's pretty much a downward spiral.

A depressed kid wanted to give me a high five.

I just left him hanging.

Why did the cat cross the road?

To make a catastrophy on the road.

I never do dark jokes, but when I feel like it, I prefer orphan jokes, 'cause they're the safest option. I mean, what are they gonna do, call their parents?

Segma says, "32!"

Ligma Says, "And?"

Segma says, "Anding deez balls to your mouth."

Q. What's a bulimic's favorite movie?

A. The Purge.