Humor
Why is reverse cowgirl banned in Alabama? Because you never turn your back on family.
What's flat chested and emo? A cutting board.
What pictures do orphans take? Selfies.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What's the difference between oxygen and children? I don't have oxygen in my basement.
Memes
What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.
What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."
What do planets use to download music?
Nep-tunes.
Teacher: This assignment is big.
Student (male): I have something that's big.
Teacher: Yeah, your forehead.
All these jokes are pen-ful to read.
What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Why did the little girl's ice cream melt?
She was on fire.
What's the difference between a snow woman and snow man?
Snowballs.
Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan? Because it doesn't have a home button.
What's black, white, and red all over? A penguin in a blender.
What's all fuzzy, warm, and laughing? The person who snapped its neck and put it into the blender.
How do you drown a blonde? You tape a mirror to the bottom of a 13-foot deep pool.
Boner.
What has more brains than the Columbine students? The wall behind them, xD.
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
China has a population of a billion people. One billion.
That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
Q: What has two wings and a halo?
A: An Asian phone call, "Wing, Wing, Halo?"