Humor
Hell in Greek times was known as cold and misty... so now just look at Seattle.
"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"
"Cancer."
I'd like to relish the fact that you've mustered up the courage to ketchup to my level.
Why is reverse cowgirl banned in Alabama? Because you never turn your back on family.
What pictures do orphans take? Selfies.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Why is an iPhone X perfect for an orphan? Because it doesn't have a home button.
What's the difference between a snow woman and snow man?
Snowballs.
What's the difference between oxygen and children? I don't have oxygen in my basement.
What do planets use to download music?
Nep-tunes.
Teacher: This assignment is big.
Student (male): I have something that's big.
Teacher: Yeah, your forehead.
What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.
What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."
What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
All these jokes are pen-ful to read.
Why did the little girl's ice cream melt?
She was on fire.
How do you drown a blonde? You tape a mirror to the bottom of a 13-foot deep pool.
What's black, white, and red all over? A penguin in a blender.
What's all fuzzy, warm, and laughing? The person who snapped its neck and put it into the blender.
Boner.
What has more brains than the Columbine students? The wall behind them, xD.
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."