Humor

What do you call a cow 🐮 in an earthquake?

A milkshake.

What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you?

“C'mon, did ya really think I’d resist arrest?”

Why did Helen Keller’s boyfriend have wax on his finger? Because he was whispering sweet nothings into her ear!

I weeee is?

I got in touch with my inner self today, it's the last time I use 1-ply toilet roll.

I was going to tell a joke about babies, but I decided to abort.

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

Because his wife changed the WiFi password.

What YouTube channel did Mt. Fuji subscribe to? Chrissy Man.

What is stuck between a doorway?

Rebel Wilson.

What’s a nun's weapon of choice?

Nun-chucks.

Why did the people think Stephen Hawking was disrespectful?

'Cause he didn't stand up for the national anthem.

Some people think incest jokes are funny.

I just think it's all relative.

A rich girl is flying on his helicopter when suddenly it crashes, killing everyone. What was the last thing that went through her head?

The helicopter blade!

What's your favorite color of the alphabet? True or false?

Tim and Tom were at work. Tim said, "I'm sick of this. I'm going to act like an idiot to get sent home." So Tim was on the roof saying, "I am a light bulb!" The boss walked in and said, "Tim, go home, you're acting like a dick!" Then Tom started packing up and Tim said, "Tom, why are you packing up?" Tom says, "I can't work in the fucking dark, can I?"

Why did the depressed person cross the road?

To get run over.

If you're mad, hire an orphan, what are they gonna do, tell their parents? 🤣🤣

For every orphan, a bag of chips is family size.

Location is in London by the way.

One day a fatass came home and told his friend that he lost money.

His friend: "Oh for once you lost some pounds!"

What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton? "I've got a bone to pick with you!"

That was a real rib tickler. I've got a skele-TON more of the skele-PUNS!