Humor
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells: "Who the fuck fucked my wife?"
Everybody is silent for a second, then the bartender said: "Mate, you ain't got enough bullets!"
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio.
But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Do you like my a-corn-y jokes?
I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.
A friend asked what an acorn is.
I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
I have a pun, but I will nut tell you!
Can I ask you a question? Nut now!
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
I am always high, welcome to bipolar disorder. LMAO. (Don't bother to like or comment, I just had to say this.)
So.. err actually, don’t worry. I was gonna make a joke about dead babies, but I had to abort.
What do you call a group of transgender women? Ex-Men.
What's the difference between a bad joke and an actually bad joke?
An actually bad joke is not funny, like this one!
What do you say to a ugly girl who claims to have been raped?
“Are you sure you didn’t rape him?”
Why did the guy's birthday party stink?
Because he was turning farty!
What do you call an autistic person with a driver's license?
A LETHAL WEAPON!
Guy: Are you depression? 'Cause you're crippling me.
Car driver: No, I'm the guy that hit you with his car and crippled you.
Guy: Don't worry, I was already crippled because I got crippling depression.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
What did the toilet say to the other toilet? "You look a bit flushed."
One day, there were three people: a mom and two kids. One of the kids walks up and asks her mom why she was named Rose. Her mom told her that she ate a rose petal when she was born; that is why she was named Rose.
Then the second child walked up and yelled, "Ahhhhhh!" and the mom said, "Shut up, Billy Goat!"