Humor

What do you call an autistic person with a driver's license?

A LETHAL WEAPON!

Guy: Are you depression? 'Cause you're crippling me.

Car driver: No, I'm the guy that hit you with his car and crippled you.

Guy: Don't worry, I was already crippled because I got crippling depression.

How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?

Act like a nut.

What did one nut say to the other?

“Cashew later.”

What did the toilet say to the other toilet? "You look a bit flushed."

One day, there were three people: a mom and two kids. One of the kids walks up and asks her mom why she was named Rose. Her mom told her that she ate a rose petal when she was born; that is why she was named Rose.

Then the second child walked up and yelled, "Ahhhhhh!" and the mom said, "Shut up, Billy Goat!"

They laughed at my crayon drawing.

So I laughed at their chalk outline.

Boobs are like batteries...

AA will get the job done...

C is bigger than AA...

D is bigger that C...

...and if they're square, you don't want to put your tongue on them!

What's the difference between your dad and the mailman? Nothing.

Rape jokes are the funniest thing to ever exist.

Yo mama so fat, she called Dr. Seuss and he couldn’t even rhyme back.

Why don’t we just call blue balls a cummy ache?

Am I considered a cannibal because I told my mom that Grandma's ashes were sugar?

What’s an orphan’s least favorite event? Their birthday!

You know what a triangle has that women's rights don't? A point.

What do you call a AK-47 that lost 1 point?

An AK-46.

What do you call a Russian rifle that went 1 rank down?

An AK-46.

What could've the Towers done to not start 9/11?

Call 911.

Why do dwarfs love penis? It tickles their insides.

Bob the builder took one look at you and said, "Nah, I can’t fix that!"