Humor
Friend: Your t-shirt is cringe.
Me: You should go get the Covid test because one of their symptoms is no taste.
The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.
The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.
The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”
The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”
Fineman, Einstein, and Schrodinger walked into a bar.
Fineman says, "It appears we're inside a joke."
Einstein says, "But only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously."
To which Schrodinger says, "If someone's looking through the window, I'm leaving!"
Where did little Lucy go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
Why are cows such great dancers?
They have all the best moooves!
What's a depressed person's favorite drink?
Depresso expresso.
JK, it's bleach.
What do you call a group of sped kids with AK-47s?
Special forces.
I own a gun with Nazi rounds and shot a guy who broke into my house. He said, “Did you just shoot me with a Nazi round?” and I replied, “Do you mean Nein millimeter?”
What did Hitler feel about all the jokes about him? Führereous.
What is a gun that Africa doesn't have? A water gun.
Funny jokes are like kids with autism.
They have special needs to make them.
What is red and tan and spins for about 50 mph?
A baby in a blender.
How do you know when you're disliked?
When they always give you the camera for group photos.
A man walks into a bar, and there is a line of people waiting to punch him.
Yeah, that was the punchline.
So you know those people that commit suicide by hanging themselves? I guess they lost Hangman.
My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.
Me: But they're not that long.
My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What's an orphan's favorite part of a website?
The homepage.
What's white, yellow and goes 40 mph?
A train driver's egg sandwich.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.