Human behavior jokes

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

If a man says you’re ugly, he likes you.

If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s just jealous.

If a child says you’re ugly, well, you’re ugly.

Nobody notices your pain, tears, struggles, but why do they notice your mistakes?

Cannibal (n.) Someone who is fed up with people.

What's the difference between Carrie Underwood and a robot?

A robot can feign empathy.

What's funny about sex? I don't get it!

What do girls and noodles have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

What do you call a person who doesn't masturbate?

A liar.

What is the real reason why men jack off? They just enjoy killing kids.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.

Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!

1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.

When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:

98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!

1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.

Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!

Teacher: Why do people snore?

Me: Because they sleep.

What do a 9V battery and a butthole have in common?

We know we’re not supposed to put our tongue on them, but we do it anyway.

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014, at 10:37 AM.

A kid goes to bed with his dad because he’s scared of the dark. Turns out he just wanted to have sex.

What do autistic retards and birds have in common?

They both flap their arms, lol.

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

How are humans and computers different? A human doesn't have trouble shooting.

Today I learned that on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.

Why do heterosexual men like to receive an anonymous blowjob at an adult bookstore? Because they don't want gay men and bisexual men in the LGBT community to find out that they also like getting their cocks sucked by men, but they don't want gay and bisexual men in the LGBT community to find out.

Humanity.

My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.