Human behavior jokes

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

If a man says you’re ugly, he likes you.

If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s just jealous.

If a child says you’re ugly, well, you’re ugly.

Nobody notices your pain, tears, struggles, but why do they notice your mistakes?

Cannibal (n.) Someone who is fed up with people.

What's the difference between Carrie Underwood and a robot?

A robot can feign empathy.

What's funny about sex? I don't get it!

What do girls and noodles have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

What do you call a person who doesn't masturbate?

A liar.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when I push my autistic brother down the stairs.

What is the real reason why men jack off? They just enjoy killing kids.

Go on the quintillionaire morning routine now!

1. Wake up. 2. Take a shit. 3. Eat. 4. Get out of bed. 5. Have breakfast.

When an asteroid is coming to kill us all:

98.9% of the population: OMG, we're all gonna die!

1% of the population: Eh... I never had any friends anyway.

Alia: ROLL THE INTRO!

What do a 9V battery and a butthole have in common?

We know we’re not supposed to put our tongue on them, but we do it anyway.

Teacher: Why do people snore?

Me: Because they sleep.

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014, at 10:37 AM.

A kid goes to bed with his dad because he’s scared of the dark. Turns out he just wanted to have sex.

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

What do autistic retards and birds have in common?

They both flap their arms, lol.

My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. I personally am on the fence.