Cats are like onions; when I cut them, I cry.
I once had a trash can as a girlfriend.
I was ready to break up with her, but all she had to say was, "Please don't dump me!" Then I said, "Sorry, I'm ready to take out the trash."
How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.
What's red and bubbly and scratches at the microwave glass?
A baby in the microwave!
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Hit your wife harder.
A boy walks in on his mother riding his father. "What are you doing?" the boy asks his mother. "I'm jumping on daddy to make him thin," said the mother. "Don't bother," said the boy, "when you go shopping, the lady next door comes and blows him up again."
Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his living room. It's not dead or anything, it's just too scared to move.
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?
Give her a shovel.
