Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.
When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."
When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."
I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.
How do you make a blind girl smile? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
A few male neighbors came over to the house to take a shower because, for some reason, their house didn't have water.
A few minutes later, I walk into the shower. I see the male neighbors and Mom taking a shower together. Then I said, "What are you doing?" They all say, "We're taking a shower together so we could save water."
What sucks but doesn't suck?
Vacuums!
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.
Yeah, she called me "Pledge" because I knocked the dust off it.
Your mumma so fat she takes up 4 seats of the sofa.
A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"
Brother: "I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help."
Sister: "That’s my f***ing electric toothbrush!"
Brother: "Oh, well the offer still stands."
How many babies does it take to replace a light bulb? I'm guessing more than 10 cause it's still dark in my basement.
5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said... "Wait, why are there mines all over the floor?"
Mom: Go water the plants.
Me: But it’s raining outside.
Mom: Go grab the umbrella.
Me: What???
I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"
Don't you hate it when you do the dishes, but then you realize it wasn't the dishes?
I saw some toilet paper rolls rolling in the wind.
So I called, "Toilet Papers Rolling In!"
Stephen only died because his wife tripped over the power cord.
Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.
So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
I like my women how I like my fridge.
In the kitchen.
