Household jokes
I would rather do my own laundry, not my uncle's laundry, because I ain't no damn butler like Alfred from Batman. I don't live in no damn Batcave by Gotham tity.
The other day all those toilet papers came by my house and asked do I have any crack candy. Naw, I don't have no damn crack candy or no crack apples. All I have here in the backyard is a peanut butter crack sandwich. Help yourself, and while you're at it, clean up all the damn doggie dodo that's everywhere. Thank you, Mr. Toilet Papers.
How many kids does it take to change a light bulb? Apparently not 343,646 because my basement is still as dark as yours.
A: What's the difference between a toilet and a washing basin?
B: I don't know.
A: Then I guess your house looks beautiful...
B: ...
Once upon a time, there was a poor man, a middle-class man, and a rich man. They were all talking about how they found happiness in their lives. The rich man said, "I found happiness through money and all of my assets." The middle-class man said, "I found happiness through my steady job and my loving household." The poor man said, "I may not have much, but I find my happiness through the little acts of kindness people show me."
And then the wall fell on them.
How do you punish a blind kid?
Rearrange the furniture.
Me: Shut up! If you don't shut up, I'm gonna tell your parents!
You: Why? I don't have any.
My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.
Why don't I poop Windex? Because I Pledge to do my doodie!
Put some Windex on it.
My mom told me to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.
The Tupperware people came to our house. They asked my wife, "Where's the kitchen?"
Sorry, I have only lived here for 3 months, but my jewelry is upstairs in my jewelry box located in my bedroom.
Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.
Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.
Me: Ok.
*Ring*
Me: Opens the door.
Oh sh*t!
Mom: Gets flip flop.
Is your oven running?
Then you better go catch it!
When your mom comes in at night then sees your... sleeping, but sees something moving, so she gets a chair and whacks it, then she says, "I thought it was a mouse."
Why can’t orphans eat a big bag of chips?
They are family sized.
My sis came up to me and said, "Mom told me to take the trash out for the rest of the year."
"So, uh, you free tomorrow?" 😂
Ran out of toilet paper, so had to start using lettuce leaves... today was the tip of the iceberg.
What’s an orphan’s favorite Netflix show?
Fuller House.
My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."