Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.
So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
I like my women how I like my fridge.
In the kitchen.
I told my mum the refrigerator was running, so she got dressed and ran after it...
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
What's the difference between your mom and your dad? One leaves your life to go get milk, and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry.
What did the lampshade say to the light bulb?
You brighten my day.
My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won't stop complaining about their mom.
Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson? Cause it's a family company.
What did one pillow say to the other?
Nothing, meh, they just sang a song about a rogue chicken whose feathers had been sacrificed to make them.
I don't know why my blind kid is crying, but I think it could be the tacks I put on the couch.
How do you clean ash off a stove with chemicals?
Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.
My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week.
She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.
What did the plug hole say to the plug? "We are so in sync."
I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.
A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.
Your family.
My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."
