Household jokes

My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.

I like my women how I like my fridge.

In the kitchen.

I told my mum the refrigerator was running, so she got dressed and ran after it...

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

What's the difference between your mom and your dad? One leaves your life to go get milk, and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry.

What did the lampshade say to the light bulb?

You brighten my day.

My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won't stop complaining about their mom.

Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson? Cause it's a family company.

What did one pillow say to the other?

Nothing, meh, they just sang a song about a rogue chicken whose feathers had been sacrificed to make them.

My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower. Thanks, Phil!

My water was leaking, so I used Flex Tape. Now I don't know where to shower.

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

Must be more than 9, my basement is still dark!

I don't know why my blind kid is crying, but I think it could be the tacks I put on the couch.

How do you clean ash off a stove with chemicals?

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

More than 9 because my basement is still dark.

Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.

My mom has a policy where if you kill a butterfly, no butter for a week, and if you kill a grub, no grub for a week.

She killed a cockroach today. I have some bad news for her.

What did the plug hole say to the plug? "We are so in sync."

I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.

A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."