Me: Shut up! If you don't shut up, I'm gonna tell your parents!
You: Why? I don't have any.
My girlfriend told me the dishwasher was leaking, so I brought home some tampons.
Why don't I poop Windex? Because I Pledge to do my doodie!
Put some Windex on it.
My mom told me to take out the trash, but I couldn't find you.
The Tupperware people came to our house. They asked my wife, "Where's the kitchen?"
Sorry, I have only lived here for 3 months, but my jewelry is upstairs in my jewelry box located in my bedroom.
Bleach solves so many problems: stains, dirty dishes, messes, and overpopulation.
Mom: I'm going to the shop. If someone is at the door, don't open it.
Me: Ok.
*Ring*
Me: Opens the door.
Oh sh*t!
Mom: Gets flip flop.
Is your oven running?
Then you better go catch it!
When your mom comes in at night then sees your... sleeping, but sees something moving, so she gets a chair and whacks it, then she says, "I thought it was a mouse."
My sis came up to me and said, "Mom told me to take the trash out for the rest of the year."
"So, uh, you free tomorrow?" 😂
Ran out of toilet paper, so had to start using lettuce leaves... today was the tip of the iceberg.
My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."
How many dead children does it take to change the light in a basement?
More than ten, apparently.
Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window.
When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food."
When the man looked confused, the owner said, "Windows are nature's vending machine."
I started beating my washing machine because it wasn't working, my wife started crying.
How do you make a blind girl smile? Leave the plunger in the toilet.
A few male neighbors came over to the house to take a shower because, for some reason, their house didn't have water.
A few minutes later, I walk into the shower. I see the male neighbors and Mom taking a shower together. Then I said, "What are you doing?" They all say, "We're taking a shower together so we could save water."
What sucks but doesn't suck?
Vacuums!
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over, Rover took over, and gave her a bone of his own.
Yeah, she called me "Pledge" because I knocked the dust off it.
