Holiday jokes
Santa decided coal was too expensive, so he started putting shredded lettuce and mayo in naughty kid's lockers... he calls it the coal's law.
On Halloween you better hide your candy, or else there will be a fella named Big Dick Randy.
I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.
Me going to jail for telling the orphan he has 363 days because mothers and Father’s Day.
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
Memes
For a present on Christmas, I gave an orphan a phone, just without a home button.
Why didn't the boy like his Christmas presents? Hint: They were a soccer ball, bicycle, and running shoes.
Why was everybody so tired on April 1st? Because they just finished a March of 31 days!
Are you winter? Because you will be coming soon.
My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.
I still don't know what's the worst, most dangerous place to take your children on holiday, but, for certain, it's either Vatican City or Neverland Ranch.
Why do emo kids love dressing up on Halloween so much?
It's their last holiday for them, but at least they're still hanging on...
No one:
Taeil: "Happy Christmas~"
Haechan: "It's Merry Christmas."
What do you call a person who's afraid of Santa?
Klaustrophobic.
Q. What monster plays the most April Fools' pranks?
A. Prankenstein.
Your mama so ugly, when Santa Claus came to her house and saw her, he said, "HO HO HOLY SHIT THAT'S ONE UGLY BITCH!"
What did the blind, deaf, mentally handicapped orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
Why can't orphans celebrate Christmas?
Father Christmas left them.