Why was everybody so tired on April 1st? Because they just finished a March of 31 days!
Why didn't the boy like his Christmas presents? Hint: They were a soccer ball, bicycle, and running shoes.
Q. What monster plays the most April Fools' pranks?
A. Prankenstein.
What do you call a person who's afraid of Santa?
Klaustrophobic.
What did the deaf, dumb, blind, paraplegic, autistic baby get for Christmas? AIDs.
Me going to jail for telling the orphan he has 363 days because mothers and Father’s Day.
For a present on Christmas, I gave an orphan a phone, just without a home button.
Are you winter? Because you will be coming soon.
My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she didn’t tell me via email.
Why do emo kids love dressing up on Halloween so much?
It's their last holiday for them, but at least they're still hanging on...
Why is Santa's sack always full?
Because he only comes once a year.
Santa decided coal was too expensive, so he started putting shredded lettuce and mayo in naughty kid's lockers... he calls it the coal's law.
Your mama so ugly, when Santa Claus came to her house and saw her, he said, "HO HO HOLY SHIT THAT'S ONE UGLY BITCH!"
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is, "Dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh. Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
What did Santa Claus bring Michael Jackson for Christmas? His elves! 😂😂😂
What did the kid who has no arms get for Christmas?
He couldn't even open it.
Why can't orphans celebrate Christmas?
Father Christmas left them.
What do you call a winter time contact?
A Santa Claus.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
Where did the pig go on holiday?
Snout and about.
