Holiday jokes
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams, "Bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied, "Aunts and uncles." Oh.
Next thing he hears is, “Dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he knows, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling, "Fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut Johnny, it means cut!!!" Oh.
Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings. Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
Boo! 👻🎃💀🕷️🕸️☠️ (So scary, right?)
This guy tried to kill me, and I asked, "What is this? Friday the Thirteenth?" Michael replied, "Nah, it's Halloween."
Did you know what my grandpa wanted for Christmas? A new ass because his one has a crack on it.
I still don't know what's the worst, most dangerous place to take your children on holiday, but, for certain, it's either Vatican City or Neverland Ranch.
Why was everybody so tired on April 1st? Because they just finished a March of 31 days!
This year I'm going to name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse, because when it dies it will leave needles all over the living room.
Why doesn't Santa have kids? Because he only comes once a year.
How do you know if a snowman is a girl or a boy?
A: Snowballs.
During Halloween, my friend went as a skeleton.
He refused to go into the haunted house. Looks like he was SPINE-LESS.
Why can’t an orphan celebrate Father’s Day and Mother’s Day? Because they have no parents.
What's the difference between Jesus and Christmas tree lights?
They can both flash.
What would an orphan ask for Christmas?
"A someone."
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
He had nobody to go with.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
I may not be as "rich" as Donald Trump, but at least I am still allowed to go on holiday to Bali, Niagara Falls, Hong Kong, and the Pyramids of Giza.
Orange Jesus can't travel to these places because these places cannot grant entry to felons.
...ah, who am I kidding? It's likely that Trump is going to prison, anyway.
I am going to be a ghost for Halloween. I actually want to be a ghost every day, because at least I'd be dead.
Why do orphans only have 363 days?
They don’t have Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Terrier.
Terrier who?
Your Halloween decorations are terri-fying!