Holiday jokes

Yo mama so ugly, when Santa saw her, he said, "Ho, ho, hole shit!"

Why does the emo hate Christmas?

The ornaments get hanged, and they don't.

Why can’t Santa have kids?

He only cums once a year.

What is the true meaning of Christmas?

Stealing presents from orphans - a quote by Technoblade.

Why are there only 363 days for orphans?

Because they don't have Mothers' and Fathers' Day.

What might an aborted child want for Christmas?

..... a home that isn't a bin.

Why are there only 363 days in an orphaned year?

Because they don’t have a father's or Mother’s Day.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentine's Day, the side chick is you.

Your momma is so ugly that she went out as herself for Halloween.

What did Santa say when he saw a pretty girl?

HO, HO, HO!

Joe Momma so fat when Santa came down the chimney he said, "Ho, ho, holy crap!"

So, me and my friend dressed as dead people for Halloween. The only difference in the costume was that he was actually dead.

Why can’t orphans celebrate Christmas?

Because they have no family.

In the new Grinch, the Whos would say he stole Christmas, "Get him!" Then the Grinch said, "I'm an orphan!" That changes everything. The Whos said, "What would they do if Max was an orphan?"

What is a dog that is Christmas?

A Christmas tree dog!

What's Michael Jackson got in common with Santa?

They both empty their sacks around children.

Adam and Eve were sitting on the beach one day, and Eve says to Adam, "Let's go for a swim." Adam replies, "I'm not in the mood."

She says, "Okay, I will go by myself." She puts her toes in the water and splashes around and says, "The water is beautiful, come in!" Adam replies, "Na, still not in the mood."

Eve wades into the water until she gets to her waist. Adam jumps up and yells at Eve standing waist deep and says, "Oh no, now all the fish are gonna smell like that!"

One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.

Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"

"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"

"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."

Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."

Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."

Santa: "Done!"

Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."

Santa: "Done!"

Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"

Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."

Man: "Okay. Let's do it."

So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.

After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"

Man: "I am 35 years old."

Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"

Why do Catholic Irishmen in Ireland have a glory hole in the men's restroom inside their restaurants so they can give Irish kisses on Saint Patrick's Day?

What do you call a green boner? The Grinch.