Holiday jokes
What do you call the ghost of the Thanksgiving turkey? A Poultrygeist.
I put the Christmas balls in my sack.
Why don't Chinese children believe in Santa?
Because they're the ones making the toys.
I'm so excited for Christmas Pudding... Pudding these nuts in your mouth.
If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Christmas special
Me: Can you describe Mrs. Claus in 3 words? Santa: Ho ho ho.
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
So I got my son a trampoline for Christmas this year, and he was so ungrateful, like he just sat there crying in his wheelchair. What has this world come to?
What do you call a winter time contact?
A Santa Claus.
What might an aborted child want for Christmas?
..... a home that isn't a bin.
What does the cow say when it's going on holiday? - MOOOOOYORK.
I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...
Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...
I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...
When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.
What do you call Mary Berry when she’s on holiday?
A Cake By The Ocean.
Why can't orphans celebrate Christmas?
Father Christmas left them.
Why did the rape victim think it was Christmas?
Because her clothes were torn off like wrapping paper.
Everyone: So, wait, let me get this straight. Feminists want to cancel Father's Day because it is offensive to single mothers.
Feminists: Correct.
Everyone: Then what the f*** is the point of Mother's Day?
Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
Englishman: We named our son George since he was born on Saint George's Day.
Irishman: We called our daughter Valentine since she was born on Valentine's Day.
Scotsman: We named our son Pancake because he was born on Pancake Day!
Santa said my mom was good... But she is on the naughty list.