Holiday jokes

Why was everybody so tired on April 1st? Because they just finished a March of 31 days!

What does Santa say to 3 girls in a row?

HO HO HO

Why did the orphan get arrested for identity theft?

He dressed up as Batman for Halloween.

Guess what I got from my uncle this Christmas? Herpes.

What does a sex offender and Santa have in common?

They will come down your "chimney" tonight.

"Jingle bells, Osama smells."

Yo mama so stupid, she said, "Where are my gifts?" on Father's Day.

Rizz,

Are you a biographer? Cause I picture us together.

Can I take a picture of you for I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?

No pen, no paper, you still draw my attention.

You know what I hate about math? They always talk about x and y, but not about u and i.

I still don't know what's the worst, most dangerous place to take your children on holiday, but, for certain, it's either Vatican City or Neverland Ranch.

If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!

What did the girl with no arms get for Christmas?

We dunno, she ain't opened it yet.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentine's Day, the side chick is you.

Christmas. Living proof arseholes exist.

What's got 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping off a roof.

Three Things I Want For Christmas From Santa:

1. A Lambo

2. A House

3. UR MOM

Why are Santa's balls so big?

Because he comes once a year.

Your mama so ugly, when Santa Claus came to her house and saw her, he said, "HO HO HOLY SHIT THAT'S ONE UGLY BITCH!"

What did the cow say to his relatives on Christmas day?

Moorry Christmas!

(Even though cows can't really have religions.)