Holiday jokes
Why did the silly boy take the Christmas tree to a barber?
Because his mother said it needed to be trimmed.
What is a pedophile's favorite job?
The mall santa.
I love telling stories as theatrical plays. When we had a free dress day near Christmas, my teacher dressed up as a reindeer, so I got my teacher involved... and shot her.
What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? They both like fairies sitting on them.
Q: What's a pedophile's favorite thing about Halloween?
A: Free delivery.
Why don't Asian kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they're the ones who made the toys.
I love it when candy canes are in mint condition.
What's the best thing about Alzheimer's? You can hide your own Easter eggs!!
I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤
Why do orphans only have 363 days?
They don’t have Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
Why don't Chinese children believe in Santa?
Because they're the ones making the toys.
What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
Why was Santa happy?
Because he had 3 hoes.
Why was Mrs. Claus upset?
Because Santa only comes once a year.
How did Santa feel when he got stuck in the chimney?
Claus-trophobic.
Where do math teachers go on vacation? Times Square.
What's got 5 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
What is a ghost's favorite cake?
I scream cake!