Holiday jokes
What did the kid without hands get for Christmas? - I don't know, he still didn't open his present...
Yo mama so fat that she was the float in the Thanksgiving Day Parade with Kermit the Frog!
What's Michael Jackson got in common with Santa?
They both empty their sacks around children.
What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
Why do orphans have only 363 days in their calendar year?
Because they don't have father's and mother's days.
Why don't Chinese children believe in Santa?
Because they're the ones making the toys.
My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
"What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?"
"Claustrophobic!"
Me: September is here!
[Labor Day comes]
Also me (ft. Green Day): “Wake me up when September ends!”
What’s the difference between Santa and my dad?
Santa got the milk.
Brrr, it's fucking cold outside, aye? What do you guys want for Christmas? A sweet video game? Maybe a cool action figure? Oh, how about the latest phone!
Who me? Oh, I guess... I wish snow could melt as fast as the snowflakes that downvote good jokes! Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!
Yo mama is so ugly that when Santa came to the house and saw a picture of her, he died.
Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.
What did Jesus say when he was left hanging on the cross?
"Well this is one hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation!"
What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?
I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.
Why do orphans only have 363 days?
They don’t have Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
Boo! 👻🎃💀🕷️🕸️☠️ (So scary, right?)
What did the deaf, dumb, blind, paraplegic, autistic baby get for Christmas? AIDs.
Why do some kids only experience 364 days per year?
Because they don't have a Father's Day.