Holiday jokes
A gay couple and a lesbian couple are going on a cruise. Who gets there first?
Obviously, the lesbian couple; they got their lickety-split. The gay couple was still packing their shit.
Did Walmart take the Juneteenth ice cream off the shelf?
It was only 3/5 full.
Why was Santa happy?
'Cause he has hoes.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.
When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
What does Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
I may not be as "rich" as Donald Trump, but at least I am still allowed to go on holiday to Bali, Niagara Falls, Hong Kong, and the Pyramids of Giza.
Orange Jesus can't travel to these places because these places cannot grant entry to felons.
...ah, who am I kidding? It's likely that Trump is going to prison, anyway.
What do you call an Australian visiting the UK on holiday?
Returning to the scene of the crime.
My daughter has been writing letters asking Satan for gifts. Imagine my shock when I realized she has dyslexia.
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
What does a priest and Christmas tree have in common? The balls are just for decoration.
What did the kid without hands get for Christmas? - I don't know, he still didn't open his present...
Yo mama so fat that she was the float in the Thanksgiving Day Parade with Kermit the Frog!
What's Michael Jackson got in common with Santa?
They both empty their sacks around children.
What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common?
They both come while you’re asleep.
Why do orphans have only 363 days in their calendar year?
Because they don't have father's and mother's days.
Why don't Chinese children believe in Santa?
Because they're the ones making the toys.
My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
"What do you call a person who is afraid of Santa Claus?"
"Claustrophobic!"
Me: September is here!
[Labor Day comes]
Also me (ft. Green Day): “Wake me up when September ends!”