Holiday jokes
Steven Hawking was so excited for Christmas till he realized he got socks.
What present did the armless kid get for Christmas?
He got gloves. Ohh, sorry, he could never open the present.
Why didn't the boy like his Christmas presents? Hint: They were a soccer ball, bicycle, and running shoes.
Why did the pumpkin man not go to the party? He had his hand stuck in a treasure chest.
You're so fat, the only thing you could be for Halloween is the Kool-Aid Man.
Three Things I Want For Christmas From Santa:
1. A Lambo
2. A House
3. UR MOM
I put the Christmas balls in my sack.
I hope all of you had a great merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, a good whatever you celebrate! I got so much this year, over $300 of fishing gear, a small 2011 coin mint collection, some coins from the Nazi party, a remote control car, 100 dollars, and more. Say what you guys got in the comments.
A 10 year old girl lays in her bed and excitedly waits for Santa to come. When Santa eventually comes she giggles, shivers, and orgasms.
Finally, as a special thank you, she sucks off Santa’s wet cock.
What might an aborted child want for Christmas?
..... a home that isn't a bin.
Santa's sack is big because he only comes once a year, but his sack is SO BIG after containing the lovely eggnog he has that those weigh the sleigh.
He never had kids because he comes in the chimney.
What did the blind, deaf, mentally handicapped orphan get for Christmas?
Cancer.
I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.
Yo mama so scary, the government moved Halloween to her birthday!
Yo mama so short, she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work!
Where does a pencil go to vacation? Pennsylvania.
Me: How do you celebrate Christmas?
Orphan: I don't know what you mean.
Me: There is no one to give a present.
During Halloween, my friend went as a skeleton.
He refused to go into the haunted house. Looks like he was SPINE-LESS.
I know this girl, Kamelah. She say, "What are you looking at?" I said, "I’m just tryna figure out why it look like Santa stole your hairline."
This year I'm going to name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse, because when it dies it will leave needles all over the living room.