Health jokes

Yes, I have gained weight. I have also gained more brains. Do you want some? You talk like you definitely need some more.

What time did the man go to the dentist at? Two-thirty.

How do you get a depressed girl to suck your dick?

Pour bleach on it.

What do you call it when a girl on her period goes swimming?

A blood bath.

What do you call a person with no arms?

Armless.

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

I broke up with my girlfriend and stole her wheelchair.

Guess who likes vegetables now?

Person: I broke my arm in three places.

Doctor: Well, don't go to those three places then.

Why is Viagra just like Disneyland?

It's a 1 hour wait for a 5 minute ride.

What do you call a retarded fruit?

Mentally in-pear-ed.

How do you make a baby float?

You take your foot off its head.

Why is the orange so blind? Because it needs to take Vitamin C!

What kind of jokes doesn’t work out?

Fat people jokes.

Michael Jackson went into an Italian restaurant and died because he choked on 9-year-old meatballs.

What did the grandma say at the hospital when you pulled the tube?...................

What's the difference between sex and mental illness?

Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness.

You look like the 0.01 percent of germs the Lysol didn't kill.

I didn’t eat breakfast because I’m starving myself.

What's the difference between a plane and a woman?

At least the plane doesn't give you herpes when it crashes at your place.

Why do Asians don’t wear contacts? Cause they can’t fitt.