Health jokes
Okay, so I have a dairy and sugar allergy, and if I eat it, I get REALLY CONSTIPATED, so this is me when I’m constipated ᕙ(⇀‸↼‵‵)ᕗ lol.
So, I accidentally just tipped over my paralyzed sister.
Your mum is so fat, when the doctors did her x-ray, the doctor said to her, "I want your x-ray, not an elephant's x-ray!"
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
All I wanna do is *gunshots* *gunshots* *gunshots* and *click* *cash register noise*, unlearn years of trauma and maintain healthy habits and fulfilling relationships while learning how to have solid boundaries and a whole sense of self.
Where do spiders seek health advice? WebMD.
Friend: Ur sister after you were born. 😭
Me: Ur brother after chemotherapy. 😵
What do you call a kid with cancer? Limited.
You're so fat that when you stepped on a scale, it said, "To be continued..."
*having sex on lexapro*
Her: Cum for me, baby!
Me: I'm trying!
Therapy - Expensive - Years of hard work - Emotionally draining - Tough to find
Screaming in the woods - Free - Immediate relief - Scares hunters enough to leave, therefore saving innocent animals - Potential to make friends with people who are also screaming in the woods.
I was driving a car and a fat person was crossing the street. When I swerved my car to miss her, I ran out of gas.
Badminton: Your breath is so bad that you have to take a mint before you go on Fortnite.
If only Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS.
Why can’t orphans go to the hospital? The front desk always asks, “Where are your parents?”
Me: What are we doing in HPE?
Friend: Fitness.
Me: Fitting deez nuts in your mouth.
My fat friend went to the doctor because he wanted to know his blood type. After performing some tests, the doctor said, "Well, the test results have shown that your blood type is ragu."
Why did the skeleton not go to the dance?
Because he had no BODY to go with!
Did you hear about the nurse who couldn’t swim?
She ended up under the doc[tor].
One day a son and his grandad were smoking.
Too bad only the sun was smoking. :)