Health jokes

An apple walked into the clinic.

The doctor asked what his favorite color was.

The apple said "red." :)

I know a little girl who once had an accident. When I asked her what her favorite song was, she responded with "🎶Head, shoulders, wheels, and frame! Wheels and frame!🎶"

I said I ate an apple because I was hungry.

Would you rather eat a girl out who has: herpes, COVID, and AIDS while she is on her period?

Or eat live worms, bats, and mice?

Would you rather have a menstrual period with horrible cramps for 200 days straight (including men)?

Or eat 10 lbs of dog s**t every day for 100 days?

If I have ligma and you have ligma, how about you ligma balls? 😏 (It’s all about how you pronounce the end.)

What do you do to a pregnant lady on a step?

Push 'em.

What did the doctor say to the potato?

It told it it had tuberculosis.

Why can’t orphans go to the hospital? The front desk always asks, “Where are your parents?”

Friend: Ur sister after you were born. 😭

Me: Ur brother after chemotherapy. 😵

*having sex on lexapro*

Her: Cum for me, baby!

Me: I'm trying!

Therapy - Expensive - Years of hard work - Emotionally draining - Tough to find

Screaming in the woods - Free - Immediate relief - Scares hunters enough to leave, therefore saving innocent animals - Potential to make friends with people who are also screaming in the woods.

All I wanna do is *gunshots* *gunshots* *gunshots* and *click* *cash register noise*, unlearn years of trauma and maintain healthy habits and fulfilling relationships while learning how to have solid boundaries and a whole sense of self.

"Being broke is a disease, stay the fuck away from me."

My friend's man has seizures, so guess who won their breakdancing tournament.

My fat friend went to the doctor because he wanted to know his blood type. After performing some tests, the doctor said, "Well, the test results have shown that your blood type is ragu."

I was driving a car and a fat person was crossing the street. When I swerved my car to miss her, I ran out of gas.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS.

Me: What are we doing in HPE?

Friend: Fitness.

Me: Fitting deez nuts in your mouth.

Badminton: Your breath is so bad that you have to take a mint before you go on Fortnite.