Health jokes

Pinocchio goes to the doctor for a checkup. When he gets there, the doctor asks him, "Do you have cancer?" Pinocchio replies, "That was very straight up, but no, I’m pretty sure I don’t have cancer." After saying this, his nose grew.

Michael Jackson goes to the doctor.

Michael Jackson: "Help, doctor, I've been shot!" Doctor: "I can't fix that, but I can change your skin color so it doesn't happen again."

My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.

So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.

A women's knitters group is having a meeting, and they are all pregnant. They all talk about their pregnancies.

One woman says, "I'm taking vitamin C so my baby has a healthy immune system."

Another knitter says, "I'm taking folic acid to help my baby's brain."

Finally, one woman says, "I'm taking Thalidomide!"

All the women turn to her and say, "Thalidomide! Don't you know your baby could be born without arms?"

The woman shrugs her shoulders and says, "I don't know how to knit arms."

A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."

Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.

Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.

After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.

Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"

The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."

What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek? "Together we can stop this shit!"

When you have a bladder infection,

You're in trouble. 😜

"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"

"Cancer."

A man gets an email from his doctor.

"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tomorrow."

The man thinks to himself, "Oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"

Don’t worry if you have a stroke.

You’ll be all right.

Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.

An apple a day, or you'll die anyway.

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”

I saw an advertisement for colored pens and how they write. They take a blue pen and write "blue," a yellow pen and write "yellow." I was inspired too.

I took a pen, filled it with my blood, and wrote "AIDS."

If the hairdresser is healthy, the cat is happy. *purr*.

On the other hand, if the hairdresser is sick, the cat is happy too. *purrs on the bed*

I can go to Walmart and scan my wrists. It'll say "antidepressants." ✨

ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hey Donut.

A man walked into a bar... He got seven stitches.

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

What do you call it when everyone of your friends makes too many dumb Covid jokes? A pundemic.