Health jokes

A man gets an email from his doctor.

"Sorry for the delay on getting your prescription, it'll be at your house tomorrow."

The man thinks to himself, "Oh shit! Then what have I been taking?"

Don’t worry if you have a stroke.

You’ll be all right.

Once there was this Whichdoctor. He walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him impressive calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, and the food gave him bad breath, which made him (wait for it) a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis.

An apple a day, or you'll die anyway.

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

What do you call it when everyone of your friends makes too many dumb Covid jokes? A pundemic.

Your teeth are so yellow they slow down traffic.

What does an apple and suicidal person have in common?

They're both hanging from a tree.

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"

"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

Why am I still alive?

Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...

Why can't orphans go to the hospital? Because it is a family hospital. Sorry for the long break in between my jokes. I just had some family stuff, but I am back.

You think people with glasses are smart, but they fail the eye doctor test.

What is the only place fat people live?

Obi-city.

Somebody told me to cheer up so.... I told him to pass me a rope :)

What does a cigar and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.

Why do orphans hate health ed at school?

Their parents can't opt them out of it.

My friend had an allergic reaction after he ate a peanut.

We got his EpiPen to help him when Penaldo appeared because he heard the word "PEN". He tried stealing the pen, but I said, "No pens for you," and "Brentford". He cried and ran away. Shame on you, Penaldo the fraud!

Why did the orphan try to get hurt?

Because then they would get surrounded with people who care about him.

He looks around, no one is there.

Two cows are grazing in a field.

One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?"

The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"