Health jokes
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
What do you call frozen Ibuprofen?
A chill pill.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?
A trip without kids.
I saw an advertisement for colored pens and how they write. They take a blue pen and write "blue," a yellow pen and write "yellow." I was inspired too.
I took a pen, filled it with my blood, and wrote "AIDS."
I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”
And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.
What's the difference between Stephen and a car? A car loses oil, Stephen loses the ability to walk.
I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.
What's the best way to remove gum from hair?
Cancer.
How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period?
She can taste the blood off her son’s cock!
My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."
I said, "You wanna bet?"
Bam, a gunshot!
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?
They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
Chuck Norris doesn't get sun burns. The sun knows better.
My brother caught Covid last month.
First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"
I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."
Why did the computer go to the doctor?
Because it had a virus.
If you're fat and transgender, then would you be considered trans fat?
Why did the heterosexual woman try to put a mask 😷 on her pussy? She wanted to protect herself from covid, but she did try to put a mask 😷 on her dildo, but the mask 😷 keep falling off the dildo.
What’s the most expensive haircut?
Chemotherapy.
One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."
When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.
He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.
What do you call it when a chameleon won't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.