Health jokes

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.

What's the best way to remove gum from hair?

Cancer.

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period?

She can taste the blood off her son’s cock!

My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."

I said, "You wanna bet?"

Bam, a gunshot!

Chuck Norris doesn't get sun burns. The sun knows better.

What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?

They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

All zodiac signs have their hairstyles. Except cancer.

Why did the computer go to the doctor?

Because it had a virus.

Why did the heterosexual woman try to put a mask 😷 on her pussy? She wanted to protect herself from covid, but she did try to put a mask 😷 on her dildo, but the mask 😷 keep falling off the dildo.

What’s the most expensive haircut?

Chemotherapy.

What's the difference between Stephen and a car? A car loses oil, Stephen loses the ability to walk.

When my grandpa was 65, he decided to run a mile a day to keep fit.

He's 70 now, and we have no idea where he is.

What do you call it when a chameleon won't change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

Are you corona? Cuz it’s hard to breathe around you ;)

My therapist told me, "Time to heal all wounds," so I shot him in the nuts.

Now we wait...

My brother caught Covid last month.

First I knew about it was when he speed-dialled me at 3am and gasped, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe!"

I just told him straight: "Bro... you really need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

Dark humor is like cancer; it's funnier when kids get it.

One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."