Health jokes
So, this guy, right? He has been through the worst shit in his life. He lost his house, his car, his wife, his kids, everything except his dog.
About 2 weeks after he loses everything, he goes to apply for a job. He attends work for the first 2 weeks to get his first paycheck and then calls in sick for about a month. He comes back to his boss' office after the month is over and his boss questions him. The man claims, "Sir, I was blowing chunks." "What do you mean by 'blowing chunks'?" says the boss. The man replies with, "Chunks is the name of my dog..."
I wake up in the morning and I suck my teeth.
For Stephen Hawking, why is being drunk and having his power shut out the same?
He blacks out.
What do you call an ear that's dead? Deaf. Hahaha! Oh wait...
What's harder than taking a shit?
Trying to take a shit while constipated!
What was the epileptic chef’s house special?
Seizure salad.
What’s red, nine inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry every time she sees it?
Her abortion.
What do most disabled people eat?
Their arm.
Son: I heard mom got stung by a few bees this morning. Is she ok? Hospital?
Dad: She's ok now, no hospital.
Dad: She had to take the deep penis.
Son: Umm...... WHAT!?
Dad: I had to inject her with and EPIC PENIS.
Dad: Oh, for God's sakes.
Dad: Epi Pen.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
What has a kid with cancer and Peter Pan in common?
They will never grow up.
What's the hardest part of eating vegetables?
The wheelchair.
Hi, what's your name?
I don't know, I'm disabled.
How do you know someone is autistic?
They get stuck in a loop very often.
My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I wish I was blind.
What do you call a person with no arms?
Armless.
If only Karen Carpenter had eaten Mama Cass's sandwich...
Why did the orange stop?
Because it ran out of juice. Hahhaha.
Why did the wheels not move on his wheelchair?
Because he had no legs.