Health jokes
I got so bad about cutting myself every time I went to the bathroom, I wanted to break my jacket zipper off and use that!
Why do you never see gay people in wheelchairs?
You can’t be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
Last night I had the strangest dream!
I sailed away to China!
And I caught the coronavirus!
You said you needed to wash your hands!
Didn't want no one else to touch you! What does that mean?!
And you said!!
Ain't nothing gonna break my lungs 😤!
Ain't no way of slowing Covid down!
Oh no I've got to keep on coughing!!!
What do you call a person with an "a" in their autism?
So, this guy, right? He has been through the worst shit in his life. He lost his house, his car, his wife, his kids, everything except his dog.
About 2 weeks after he loses everything, he goes to apply for a job. He attends work for the first 2 weeks to get his first paycheck and then calls in sick for about a month. He comes back to his boss' office after the month is over and his boss questions him. The man claims, "Sir, I was blowing chunks." "What do you mean by 'blowing chunks'?" says the boss. The man replies with, "Chunks is the name of my dog..."
For Stephen Hawking, why is being drunk and having his power shut out the same?
He blacks out.
I wake up in the morning and I suck my teeth.
What do you call an ear that's dead? Deaf. Hahaha! Oh wait...
What was the epileptic chef’s house special?
Seizure salad.
What's harder than taking a shit?
Trying to take a shit while constipated!
What’s red, nine inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry every time she sees it?
Her abortion.
What do most disabled people eat?
Their arm.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
Son: I heard mom got stung by a few bees this morning. Is she ok? Hospital?
Dad: She's ok now, no hospital.
Dad: She had to take the deep penis.
Son: Umm...... WHAT!?
Dad: I had to inject her with and EPIC PENIS.
Dad: Oh, for God's sakes.
Dad: Epi Pen.
I invited my friend with a vasectomy to a party.
Unfortunately, he couldn't come.
I saw a guy beat his girlfriend to a pulp after his girlfriend threw a phone in his face. I offered to call an ambulance, but he said he was fine.
Yo mama is so fat that you should really take care of her because diabetes is a serious problem and she might die.
Hi, what's your name?
I don't know, I'm disabled.
What's the hardest part of eating vegetables?
The wheelchair.
What has a kid with cancer and Peter Pan in common?
They will never grow up.