Health jokes
Yo momma's so fat that she got married to diabetes!
Where do depressed people go to eat?
Suicide Sonic.
A girl looked in the fridge. She got mad that somebody ate the last ice cream cone. She ran into her sister's room and said, "This is why you're fat!" Then fell down the stairs. Good thing she had that belly roll to save her.
Did you hear about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?
Why was the tamale in the hospital? Because he was a "tamalito."
I got so bad about cutting myself every time I went to the bathroom, I wanted to break my jacket zipper off and use that!
What's the best thing about Covid-19? It gets into any kid.
Q. What's the difference between my phone battery and an anti-vax kid?
A. Nothing, they both die at ten.
Me: Mom, I think I need to go to the hospital.
Mom: OMG, why son?
Me: I don't know what's wrong, but every time I close my eyes, I can see.
Think about it, then spread LMAO.
I slit my wrists.
Why did the bone go on a blind date? He was bonely.
Wee dyslexic boy and girl in class.
Wee boy says, "Can you smell gas?"
Wee girl replies, "I canny even smell my name!"
"hvhuhdsjcjdsijdskdsivhdsvhsjdvnsjdvdshvgdshgsdhfgh" That's what my friend said when he gave an EpiPen. I don't know why, though.
Our family is known for unusually sloppy diarrhea.
It runs in our jeans.
What do you call a skeleton with no arms? An un-armed skeleton.
Why are skinny people skinny?
Because he don't have a family to breastfeed on.
Joe's pizzeria and abortion clinic.
Yesterday's loss is today's sauce.
Fella walks past a mental hospital; they're all out in the garden behind this big fence, all shouting "13, 13, 13, 13," etc., over and over again.
This fella is intrigued, sees a little hole in the fence, looks through it... gets fucking poked straight in the eye!
Then they all start singing, "14, 14, 14, 14, 14, 14!"
Last night I had the strangest dream!
I sailed away to China!
And I caught the coronavirus!
You said you needed to wash your hands!
Didn't want no one else to touch you! What does that mean?!
And you said!!
Ain't nothing gonna break my lungs 😤!
Ain't no way of slowing Covid down!
Oh no I've got to keep on coughing!!!
What do you call a person with an "a" in their autism?