Health jokes

Fella walks past a mental hospital; they're all out in the garden behind this big fence, all shouting "13, 13, 13, 13," etc., over and over again.

This fella is intrigued, sees a little hole in the fence, looks through it... gets fucking poked straight in the eye!

Then they all start singing, "14, 14, 14, 14, 14, 14!"

What do you call a person with an "a" in their autism?

So, this guy, right? He has been through the worst shit in his life. He lost his house, his car, his wife, his kids, everything except his dog.

About 2 weeks after he loses everything, he goes to apply for a job. He attends work for the first 2 weeks to get his first paycheck and then calls in sick for about a month. He comes back to his boss' office after the month is over and his boss questions him. The man claims, "Sir, I was blowing chunks." "What do you mean by 'blowing chunks'?" says the boss. The man replies with, "Chunks is the name of my dog..."

What do you call an ear that's dead? Deaf. Hahaha! Oh wait...

For Stephen Hawking, why is being drunk and having his power shut out the same?

He blacks out.

I wake up in the morning and I suck my teeth.

What was the epileptic chef’s house special?

Seizure salad.

What's harder than taking a shit?

Trying to take a shit while constipated!

What’s red, nine inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry every time she sees it?

Her abortion.

What do most disabled people eat?

Their arm.

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

What has a kid with cancer and Peter Pan in common?

They will never grow up.

What's the hardest part of eating vegetables?

The wheelchair.

Hi, what's your name?

I don't know, I'm disabled.

Why did the wheels not move on his wheelchair?

Because he had no legs.

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I didn’t eat breakfast because I’m starving myself.

I'm hertophobic.

It means I'm allergic to straights.

What is 1 + 1?

They didn’t tell me. Their stomach is upset.

How do you know someone is autistic?

They get stuck in a loop very often.