Health jokes

What's the best way to cure the hiccups? Suicide.

What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? The computer runs.

A man goes for his annual checkup. Afterward, he's sitting in the doctor's office, and the doctor comes in with the results of his tests. The doctor says, "I have some bad news; you have cancer and Alzheimer's." The man replies, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

Friend: *hits head* Others: How many fingers am I holding up? Me to friend: How suicidal am I on a scale from one to ten? Friend: Ten Me: He's fine guys.

I don't get why cancer is so hard to beat. I'm already on stage 4.

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."

How do you get Carrie Underwood to dehydrate fast?

Tell her that all the water supplies contain the COVID vaccine.

Losing weight is a piece of cake. Just don't pick it up.

What's brown and rather bad for your dental health?

- A baseball bat.

What do you call an alligator that can't get hard? A reptile dysfunction.

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?

A: My dad didn't beat cancer...

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, well not if it's poisoned.

Then the antidote becomes the most important.

There's an outbreak of foot and mouth disease, it can affect pigs and cows.

I hope my teacher will be ok.

What's the most expensive haircut in the world?

Chemotherapy.

If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking Fanta make you fantastic?

What do fish take to stay healthy?

Vitamin Sea.

A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"

Me: spreading positivity.

Everyone else at the HIV testing center.

If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Geez!