Health jokes

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Unlike my syndrome, I keep my chin up. 🙌🏽😁

Why did the heterosexual man put a mask on his cock to protect himself from COVID? Silly boy.

I cry a lot for someone who isn’t even properly hydrated.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Yeah, he's all right now.

A woman comes to the doctor and tells her, "Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?" The doctor says, "My number."

I would tell a scoliosis joke.

But that would be completely out of line.

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.

Why don’t oranges 🍊 go around blind?

Because they take Vitamin See!

What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce field?

Seizure salad.

What did Freddie Mercury use to improve his hearing?

Hearing AIDS.

What do you call an epileptic kid eating fruits?

A blender.

What did the kid with leukemia watch last night? Finding Chemo.

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off?

Well, he’s all right now!

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? -- The wheelchair.

I told a diabetic girl to have sweet dreams...

she died the next morning.

What's the difference between an American 12-year-old and an African 12-year-old? About 40 pounds.

You're so ugly the whole world faked a virus just so you could wear a mask.