Health jokes

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

Unlike my syndrome, I keep my chin up. 🙌🏽😁

Why did the heterosexual man put a mask on his cock to protect himself from COVID? Silly boy.

I cry a lot for someone who isn’t even properly hydrated.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Yeah, he's all right now.

What do you call an epileptic kid eating fruits?

A blender.

A woman comes to the doctor and tells her, "Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?" The doctor says, "My number."

I would tell a scoliosis joke.

But that would be completely out of line.

New study reveals that women slightly overweight live longer... than the men who mention it.

Why don’t oranges 🍊 go around blind?

Because they take Vitamin See!

What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce field?

Seizure salad.

What did Freddie Mercury use to improve his hearing?

Hearing AIDS.

What did the kid with leukemia watch last night? Finding Chemo.

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off?

Well, he’s all right now!

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? -- The wheelchair.

I told a diabetic girl to have sweet dreams...

she died the next morning.

What's the difference between an American 12-year-old and an African 12-year-old? About 40 pounds.

You're so ugly the whole world faked a virus just so you could wear a mask.