Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.
When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"
I said, "I shit you not."
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
Why did the heterosexual woman try to put a mask đˇ on her pussy? She wanted to protect herself from covid, but she did try to put a mask đˇ on her dildo, but the mask đˇ keep falling off the dildo.
9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.
My friendâs mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.
Upon learning about her daughterâs cancer diagnosis she said, âWell honey, at least youâll lose some weight!â
What's red and blue and runs up your leg?
A homesick miscarriage.
My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are always up.
What do you call a cow with no toes?
Lac-toes intolerant.
What do you call a kid having a seizure on a dance floor? An improvement.
"Doctor, I'm shrinking!"
"Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."
Yo mama's so stupid, she took a Covid test and got an F.
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.
What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in a bathtub?
Throw them some laundry.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.
I heard Pixar is releasing a new movie.
Itâs called Finding Chemo.
What's the quickest way to go to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
As soon as you open it, you realize itâs half empty.
What is it called when a depressed person gets a stroke?
A stroke of luck :)
My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.
Yo mamma is so dumb that she smokes to burn calories!
