Health jokes

What did the make-a-wish kid say to the staff? "I don't wanna go to Disneyland, I wanna live longer."

Two cows are out grazing in the field. One cow says to the other cow, "Aren't you worried about this mad cow disease that's been going around?" The other cow replied, "Why would I be worried about mad cow disease? I'm a rabbit!"

What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?

For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."

What do you call a retarded person and a stroke victim in the same bed?

Mashed potatoes.

Why is there air conditioning in hospitals? To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

Chuck Norris doesn't need to be vaccinated. Vaccines need to be Chuck Norrised.

Person: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live!"

Doctor: "Just give me a minute!"

If you're fat and transgender, then would you be considered trans fat?

My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.

Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”

What's red and blue and runs up your leg?

A homesick miscarriage.

My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are always up.

What do you call a cow with no toes?

Lac-toes intolerant.

What do you call a kid having a seizure on a dance floor? An improvement.

Yo mamma is so dumb that she smokes to burn calories!

What’s the best part about stage four cancer?

There’s no stage five.

What do you call lesbian sex during their period?

A blood transfusion.