Health

Health Jokes

Victim

What do you call a retarded person and a stroke victim in the same bed?

Mashed potatoes.

Cow

Two cows are out grazing in the field. One cow says to the other cow, "Aren't you worried about this mad cow disease that's been going around?" The other cow replied, "Why would I be worried about mad cow disease? I'm a rabbit!"

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  • Flu

    What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?

    For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

    Diarrhea

    Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

    When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

    I said, "I shit you not."

    Self Harm

    My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

    Doctor

    doctor: you need to eat healthy.

    me: no.

    doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

    me: oh my goodness.

    doctor: in a plane crash.

    me: that sounds unrelated.

    doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

    Mask

    Why did the heterosexual woman try to put a mask 😷 on her pussy? She wanted to protect herself from covid, but she did try to put a mask 😷 on her dildo, but the mask 😷 keep falling off the dildo.

    Water

    9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

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  • Friend

    My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.

    Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”

    Cow

    What do you call a cow with no toes?

    Lac-toes intolerant.

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  • Seizure

    What do you call a kid having a seizure on a dance floor? An improvement.

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  • Bag

    How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

    As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

    Stroke

    What is it called when a depressed person gets a stroke?

    A stroke of luck :)

    Hospital

    What's the quickest way to go to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.