Health jokes

Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for diarrhea, but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depression, grandma needs to take the black pills, but those always give her high blood pressure. To cure the high blood pressure, grandma has to take the red pills, but those make her always very horny. That's why grandpa has to take the blue pills."

Book on Michael Jackson: Issued black; returned white.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.

I ain't shaking anyone's hand, not because of the Coronavirus... I ain't shaking anyone's hand because y'all out of toilet paper!

What did the make-a-wish kid say to the staff? "I don't wanna go to Disneyland, I wanna live longer."

Two cows are out grazing in the field. One cow says to the other cow, "Aren't you worried about this mad cow disease that's been going around?" The other cow replied, "Why would I be worried about mad cow disease? I'm a rabbit!"

What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?

For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to be vaccinated. Vaccines need to be Chuck Norrised.

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

What's red and blue and runs up your leg?

A homesick miscarriage.

My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.

Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”

My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are always up.

What do you call a cow with no toes?

Lac-toes intolerant.

What do you call a kid having a seizure on a dance floor? An improvement.

How do you flatten curves?

With an abortion.

What’s the best part about stage four cancer?

There’s no stage five.