Health jokes

Book on Michael Jackson: Issued black; returned white.

Should I buy COVID-19 or wait until COVID-20 comes out?

I ain't shaking anyone's hand, not because of the Coronavirus... I ain't shaking anyone's hand because y'all out of toilet paper!

Two cows are out grazing in the field. One cow says to the other cow, "Aren't you worried about this mad cow disease that's been going around?" The other cow replied, "Why would I be worried about mad cow disease? I'm a rabbit!"

What did the make-a-wish kid say to the staff? "I don't wanna go to Disneyland, I wanna live longer."

What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?

For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.

9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. That 1 doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

doctor: you need to eat healthy.

me: no.

doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.

me: oh my goodness.

doctor: in a plane crash.

me: that sounds unrelated.

doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!

My parents were concerned when I said I like to bleed, but at least I cut my risk of cancer and stroke in half.

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

Chuck Norris doesn't need to be vaccinated. Vaccines need to be Chuck Norrised.

What's red and blue and runs up your leg?

A homesick miscarriage.

My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.

Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”

My syndrome may be down, but my hopes are always up.

What do you call a cow with no toes?

Lac-toes intolerant.

What do you call a kid having a seizure on a dance floor? An improvement.

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

-You have to be alive to have autism.

Yo mamma is so dumb that she smokes to burn calories!

Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?

Because you can’t take medicine on an empty stomach.

My friend was in a crash, so when he got put in a wheelchair, people bullied him, so I told him to stand up for himself.