Health jokes
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
After a long labor, a doctor approaches the new mother and says, “Ma’am, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first, doctor.”
The doctor replies, “Well, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair.”
Relieved, a smile spreads across the mother’s face. “Doctor, if that’s the bad news, what’s the good news?” The doctor replies, “He’s dead.”
Fun fact: The body positivity movement is the only movement without any actual movement.
I would tell a scoliosis joke.
But that would be completely out of line.
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off?
Well, he’s all right now!
Where did the eye doctor keep all his kittens? On Cat-A-Racks!
Everyone, Alya is okay!!!!!!!!!! She got up, she can walk, and she can talk regular!!!!
I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the Covid-19 patients to stay positive.
Why can’t an orphan take medicine?
They need parental supervision.
Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.
When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"
I said, "I shit you not."
What’s better than winning a medal at the Paralympics?
Being able to walk.
There's nothing else that can beat up dog.
What's up, dog?
Just my depression!
I bought my son a wheelchair for his birthday—turns out he couldn’t get in it.
Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What do you call a kid with Down syndrome trying to beat Minecraft?
“A sped runner.”
Me running out of the hospital after telling COVID patients to stay "positive."
What meds do snakes with ADHD take?
Adder-all.
How do you get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
Seems very long. You won't remember the telephone number...
I remember it like this from school days in Ireland.
Dolly Parton is shopping for a new bra. A lady says, "Your size is 69." Dolly says, "No way, that's too too too (222) big." So she goes to the doctor. "Doc, I need something to make my boobs smaller." "Here, take (51) pills for 6 days (x6)," and so she did. Days later, she ran back to the doc, "Jesus Christ doctor, look what happened. I'm BOOBLESS!" 55378008 upside down.
What's the difference between my dad and cancer? Cancer doesn't leave you.