Health jokes

I love it when cancer hits like a ton of bricks. The best part is when it kills people.

Two nuns were sitting on a bench. A flasher flashed them, and one of the nuns had a stroke... but the other one was too far away :)

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 2 beers." The bartender gives him two beers and coughs in the guy's beer bottles before giving it to him. The guy says to the bartender, "Hey, what are you doing? I didn't order Bud Lights, I want Corona beer." The bartender replies, "Sir, I gave you a mix of Bud Light and Corona, and it's on the house, everyone is drinking Corona tonight."

Why do women have periods?

Because they deserve them, haha!

There was a woman named Sally. She loved to have sex with other people. One time, she had sex with me. I noticed her bra size was 69 (+69). That is fucking big!

Ok, then when her partner was pissing, he told her she should call the doctor. So she dialed 2063512000 (+2000) and called the doctor. The office was on 51st street ave NE (+51). Holy shit, the doctor said! The boots were so big that she had to take 8 pills (x 8). The next morning, she was ________.

69 + 51 + 2000 x 8 = 16120

58008 (flip calculator)

Boobless.

Question: Did you know that "diarrhea" is hereditary?

Answer: It "runs" in your jeans!

Did you hear about the "Funny Doctor"?

He'll have you in "Stitches"!

What's the most expensive haircut you can get? Chemotherapy.

Why do people never kick their own balls?

Because they might lose one!

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"

Student: "A drinking problem."

Your mama is so fat. She gets winded just thinking about running.

Your mama is so stupid, Patrick Starr ran away because he thought she might be contagious.

Why is my anus burning?

'Cause I sat on an open lighter, oh god, help!

I poo 11 times a day.

Touch your toes and hold them. Then spell "run." It will say, "r.u.n."

I asked my mom with cerebral palsy a question.

Still waiting on an answer.

Boy: “My heart MELTS for you.”

Girl: “OMG, are you okay?!?!”

Boy: “Yeah, why?”

Girl: “Because if your heart is melting, then you are NOT okay.”

What is Stephen Hawking's best side?

The left.

You're so fat you probably apply sunscreen with a paint roller.

I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.